Thursday, July 21, 2011

Men's Restroom Etiquette Class

Come gather, young etiquette and manners enthusiasts and bring your cups of tea along with you! Because today, I'm going to give you all a lesson in restroom etiquette. What? Huh? Yeah, that's right, I said restroom bitch tits. I'm not here to tell you tuck in your napkin or say 'please' and 'thank you'. All I ask is you take away a sense of not being a fucking weirdo in one of the most solace places.

So, tip numero uno: Don't talk on your cell phone while you're in a stall

This rule also goes for talking on your blue tooth next to someone by the urinal. (sidenote: blue tooths are not cool and have never been cool.) These types of events can get very confusing, and when you're in the stall - applying to Brown University - then think twice before chit-chatting on the phone because EVERYONE CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU.

Tip numero dos: Please don't try to strike a conversation while peeing next to someone

It's awkward enough that we both have our penises out and we're excreting fluids inches away from each other, so please don't make it even more awkward by asking me about the weather while I can still hear the splish splashing of your pee. Maybe I'm a prude and pee skeeves me out, but this is a rule everyone should just take. JUST TAKE IT!

Tip number tres: Whenever you're peeing, stop replicating an orgasm

Seriously, I can't count how many times I've been peeing beside someone then OUT OF NOWHERE, they just start moaning like they're Jenna Jameson or something. You're not a porn star so stop making me feel uncomfortable. Hahaha, the release of urine is not THAT great of a feeling guys, so calm down and stop grasping the wall.

16 clueless comments:

LOL! great post! everyone should know this!

I laughed so hard in tip three! hahaha awesome post

Uhh! glad I will never need to know this oO

I'm debating about printing off a bunch of copies of this to hang around every public restroom I go to

I tried the second one once... Didnt go too well..

i have some friends that try and talk to me in the bathroom and its like ...uuuhhh, please stop for one second

Haha guys actually talk to each other while peeing? :p

you forgot "dont pee in a urinal right next to someone if you have the option of peeing at least one unit away."

lmao, I agree with all of these.

Cool blog man! Keep up the great work!

I think you have forgotten a couple of other bits of essential Restroom Etiquette

Never pee down someone’s leg
I did it once, my aim shot accidently and violently to my left. Fortunately being English the person next to me never said a word not even as he squelched out of the restroom. I have never been so glad that I was leaving a job and only had a week to go …The real downside was I could no longer ask my boss for a reference

When entering the gents, never hold the door for someone coming in after you
While it is normally considered polite to hold most doors open, there is something sinister about holding a rest room door open, it makes you look like George Michael enticing victims in.

It’s probably even worse if you try and hold the restroom door for the gents open for a woman, it makes it look as though you thought she was a man…..It takes ages for the slap marks to fade….

I could have sworn there was a Man-Law about this

lol these are great guidelines

Lol hey man, sometimes after holding in piss for a long, you can't help but moan :P. Appreciate the tips though haha.

I think every man should know this because you won't believe the number of times this has happened to me. I mean come on man, I just want to take a leak, not hear about your day or whats something funny you heard today. Jeez

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