A Little Piece

Why don't little people get big Hollywood roles?

Movie Cliches

I hope I get hit by a bus.

Culture Shock

Learn why people my age have dirtier thoughts and by dirtier thoughts I am simply just saying that because now you're thinking something filthy.

Monday Movie Review

Go bananas for a movie about bananas.

Sign Spinners

They shake, they waddle, they do everything shitty for a shitty price.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Midget Redemption

I feel really bad for midgets. I hate making jokes about midgets because I always feel like shit afterward just because I know they are the but of everyone's joke and they really get the short end of the stick.

Not cool. Whenever I see little people on television or in films, I always notice (no pun intended) that they get really small roles and in these roles, its typically mandatory for them to dress up in some sort of embarrassing costume that has to do with their height like oompa-loompas or trolls from Harry Potter.

Honestly, I think it would be really fun to go drive out to Hollywood and post a Casting Call on Craigslist for 'Respectable Film Roll for Little Person Wanted'. Then just kind of wait around for the millions of midget head-shots I would get via E-Mail. And you know what? I would set up an interview with every single one of the little mother fuckers. I'd even bang out a legit script, something lifetimey, probably a film about a little girl with cancer and her Hospital room mate is a little person with dimentia.

Then I would give each of them a respectable amount of time to read the script to me with intensity and ingenuity and I would totally lead all of them on to believe that I would be calling them back for a second audition. Of course I'm not a casting director and of course the adventures of little cancer Susy and confused Mike will never be seen on network television but at least I can go to bed at night knowing I made a couple hundred tiny actors feel respected.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Movie Cliches Have Ruined My Life

There are certain things that I can't do and things that I can't let other people do because I see these events unfold in movies and I'm always expecting it to have the same outcome. For example! Do not walk backwards into a street or I promise you I will shit my pantaloons. When someone walks backwards into a street, I fully expect a double-decker London bus to come slamming into them out of fucking nowhere.

Another example is I can never open my medicine cabinet, then close it without looking behind me. If I do this, I expect a murderous clown will appear behind me in the reflection wielding a bloody knife. Yeah, if I don't turn around that's exactly what will happen. But Jesus on a popsicle, I can't stop there. I have an endless list of shit that I've seen written into films so many times, I expect them to be an actual part of life.

I was bitterly disappointed when my first kiss wasn't met with a kick of the leg, but instead an awkward mess. I also expected every pregnant woman EVERYWHERE to have their water break when they were about to go into labor. Did you guys know that that rarely even happens? Goddamn you cinema for trashing society. Goddamn you.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Culture Shock

I guess this is more of a follow up blog on something that I wrote about last week, but it's still bothering me how different this generation is compared to previous ones and I think it's because we've been exposed to more freaky shit. Do you remember what the WORST thing you ever saw was before the internet came around? Probably weird poop or a dead dog.

I was exposed to two girls one cup at the age of FIFTEEN. The most shocking thing ever done by humans since the gestapo threw Jew babies to the dogs was shown to me after being on this planet for fifteen years along with several other images that should never be seen by anyone. Any imaginable horror is now available online and everyone using the computer is young as fuck.

Ok, now think about what the most shocking thing your grandparents have ever seen. Honestly, probably too many dishes in the sink or saggy tits. Do you remember how old you were when you first saw a boob? Probably like ten right? Maybe you were a little eager and managed to see one at eight, but NOW imagine how old your grandfather was when he first saw a tit...

The first tit your grandfather saw was probably an ACTUAL tit and now there are all these four year olds walking around with their iPhones and they can literally - between breaths - look at a tit with little to no effort. All they have to do is move their thumbs four times slightly. T - I - T - SEARCH... "Oh, cool a boob. I'm gonna go back to playing Fruit Ninja."

Before the internet, kids would tell each other happy birthday by buying a card and giving them a friendly punch or something but now I guess the cool and funny thing to do is show them the most horrifying picture that could be possibly conjured up. Or even worse, a childhood icon transposed into filth like maybe a picture of Goofy's dick or Winnie the Pooh getting rimmed by Eor.

My cousin was beside me and he is 13 years old and said "haha look at this" and showed me a picture of two naked old ladies making out. I stared shocked and he just started laughing then continued to show me more things that were burned into my brain.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Why I love COPS

 Uhh... I should probably clarify. I don't necissarily LOVE cops, I love COPS the television show although I'm sure cops are really nice guys. Their mothers are lovely. Cops is probably the only reason I don't kill myself from boredom on weekday afternoons. Also, that right there should tell you the type of audience COPS is trying to entertain. People who are home at the middle of the day... let's see, that would be old people, unemployed drop outs, unemployed in general and of course babies! The advertising for the show says it all, it's a complete montage of Pampers, Depends and Rehab Facility commercials. Moving on!

Every person on this show has broken the law. Wanna know how I know? Here's a hint, if they didn't do anything illegal, then they wouldn't be on television. Who wants to see someone get pulled over then let off with a warning? No one. So when a cop pulls someone over on COPS the television show, don't ever have a shadow of a doubt that someone in that car is getting arrested. That's what makes the show so fun and that's when I play GUESS THAT CRIME.

GUESS THAT CRIME is a game I play with no one because nobody else I know understands the true comedy of COPS. I don't understand why this show isn't held in such high critical regards like that of Seinfeld or Arrested Development. When they announce the Emmys they should always announce COPS in the Outstanding Comedy Series category and Jimbo the toothless junkie as Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

Basically I try to guess what the person has done based on how nervous they are and how they react to certain questions. There is an entire ARRAY of factors that play into the game as well including race, neighborhood, assholery of the cop, whether not the perp has teeth, crossdressing and my FAVORITE: the fucking liars. If they look away after a question or act completely SURPRISED when a cop finds weed in their pocket, they are the lucky winner of the Daily Fucking Liar points. Congrats, you get a bonus question! It's an infinite process that goes on in my head and no one ever wins.

But my favorite episodes, absolute FUCKING FAVORITE all time episodes are the ones that are always in Las Vegas. Dear God, you know why I love Las Vegas episodes of COPS? Because shit like this happens.

Yup! Joy in my life. These criminals are a different brand of criminals, fuck they're a different species, just because they make a career out of crime and decide to not learn about anything else at all ever. Haha. Las Vegas criminals are like the caviar of the crime world. It's not not that they're classy, it's that they are so GREAT and you know what every Vegas criminal has? A black girl in the passenger seat with cocaine in her purse. I swear Vegas criminals get more black girls wet than Hurricane Katrina.

And good night! Also, some of you may notice I've changed my blog a bit. Be sure to like this on Facebook on the top right of the home page so all your other friends can get depressed.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Monday Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

If there is any animal on this planet that could gain super intelligent abilities and sadistic thoughts, which animal would you think would be the CREEPIEST? Yeah, I also thought a planet run by ostriches would be fucking disturbing but apparently these Hollywood Big-Wigs disagree with me. I went out and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and the only way I can describe it is: very unsettling.

The movie stars James Franco as a, what I'd like to think, a stoner scientist who decides it would be funny to make a monkey super smart so he can give him relationship advice. Well, that plan goes wrong when the monkeys get TOO SMART. I totally made all of that up, but I feel like it would make for great dramatic Romance called Lies of the Planet of the Apes.

So James Franco drags his lines through this movie like an even more baked version of Matthew McConaughey , giving monkeys all these experimental drugs and then BAM a monkey is just smart out of nowhere in the beginning of the movie and shit and he's all like "CHECK MATE GODDAMNIT GIVE ME A BANANA."

Then they shoot the girl monkey (LOL) and it is revealed that her smart, monkey ass had a secret baby. Enter Caesar.

Caesar is a bacherlor on the prowl and loves snuggly blankets as well as milk and Miles Davis. He also loves John Lithgow. Did I mention John Lithgow is in this film? hahaha, he has alzheimers and I feel like every time he said something, there should have been a studio audience laughing at him like a quirky Seinfeld comment.

Well, time progresses and the baby Caesar starts to grow older and smarter and wears pants and stuff. Huh? Okay. He also likes to set people up on dates and because James Franco brings him to a zoo vet, the monkey totally suggests that he should fuck the doctor. I'm guessing that the writers of this show have seen Wilfred on FX.

Then one day Caesar gets pissed at the neighbor and bites off his finger HAHA. Goodbye Caesar, you're going to monkey jail! Seriously, he went to monkey jail which is like a sanctuary where the big dogs like to play. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed this movie but it started to become an off-broadway showing of Dr. Dolittle at times when the monkeys would communicate to each other using sigh language.

Another thing that I noticed was that knowledge to monkeys is like alcohol to us. It makes them really upset and the more they get it, the more they start to resent the world. Hey, I'd resent the world too if I just learned that flinging my shit and humping a bush should be my daily routine and BAM I should just call it a day. For Example:

Fuck, he looks drunk and angry! Well guess what he does now? He rejects James Franco and James Franco is all like 'AWH MONKEY HOW YOU GONNA DO ME LIKE THAT, COME SMOKE WEED WITH ME MAN.'. Hahaha, I swear every expression James Franco gives to the chimp in this movie is a lets-go-get-high-and-play-crash-bandicoot look.

Then he steals the monkey juice and gives it to all the chimps in chimp jail and they all become GENIUSES and what do oppressed genuises want? Revenge! So what's the first order of business? Release Buck! Hahaha, let me back up. Buck is like the Boo Radley of the Ape world, he just sits in a huge cage and rattles back and forth and no one ever talks to him and he never leaves his cage. But he releases the outcast and they all play together blah blah, destroy the humans.

Then Caesar seriously gets powerful and seriously starts being a leader. Haha! Get it! Caesar the Leader! ...Literary types. Anyway, the monkeys get smart and decide "DUDE, hey lets get out of here and split like a banana LOL.

Then THIS happens...

APE WARNING: If you are a man and you watch this scene, you'll probably get overly excited and want to break shit everywhere for no reason. Don't break shit. You'll get in trouble.

The monkeys just start going WILD. They go through offices, through galleries, through the streets, in the trollies, through buildings, on top of the fucking GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE and then they start riding... wait for it... horses. Haha, yes a monkey rode a horse and a gorilla jumped into a helicopter and sacrificed himself like it was fucking Die Hard.

I can't put into words how absolutely hilarious and awesome this entire scene is so I'll just let you see it. It's so freeing, and then Caesar and his monkey entourage make it to the woods and live happily ever after. Go see it. I give it five bananas.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sign Spinners

Lately I've been noticing an influx of sign spinners which is basically a mediocre, hourly job that can be found on any city's Craigslist classifieds. The job entails a person of no talent to take a large sign and guide people into a new business, new homes or anything that may be attractive to a gigantic arrow.

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving home from work and noticed that the road was blocked because of a three-car collision. Now, I'm not one to point fingers (or in this case, a giant arrow) but I firmly believe that the culprit behind the accident was a teenage kid, distracting traffic with his big ol' sign spinning skills that lured people into a fabulous new yoga joint.

What was even funnier was that as the cars were being pried away from each other, and the crunching of metal was screeching into the air, the kid was STILL standing on the corner spinning that sign. Hahahaha, kudos. But, what's even sadder than a person spinning a sign in 102 degree weather is watching someone spin a sign unenthusiastically in 102 degree weather.

If someone even had a FIBER of a thought to actually be persuaded into following the sign, then why would the determining factor be the eat-my-shit attitude excreting from the pores of some poor junkie. Those sign spinners need to OWN their craft and show those cars whose boss. No one likes a bummer. If I want to follow that sign, I'd better see some karate moves or some shit or break dancing and fantastical flame throwing while balancing on a midget's dick.

There is a guy I always pass who waves around a sign and I swear to God he does his job like he's the king of fucking England. He seriously believes the greatest business of all time is SELL YOUR GOLD NOW and dances with that sign 24/7 like it's his religion. God bless you, Chinese man selling gold. God bless you.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Indie Movies Suck

Sure some independent films are brilliant like Pulp Fiction, American History X, Leon, etc... But the 'good' films only take up about 5% of the independent film collection. The reason these films are so well known is because they were filtered through all of the other indie films which SUCK MASSIVE ASS.

At one point did it become 'edgy' and 'cool' to choose from ridiculous angles and story lines that don't even make sense. If I hear one more person say Garden State is the greatest movie ever made, I'm going to shit out an Iron & Wine album out of pure, concentrated indie rage. Seriously, this scene always makes me want to shoot myself in the face

"you gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life. I swear"
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Shutup Natalie Portman, go dance ballet or something.

I guess people suggest that independent films are better because the same can be said about music which is actually true most of the time. In my opinion and most people's opinion, independent music rules supreme in quality despite the fact that musical groups like Brokencyde, Lady GaGa and Usher rule supreme in the industry.

Just because these musical acts rule the airwaves doesn't mean they are the best HOWEVER, the same can not be said about movies. Movies need staff, writers, cameras and overall a GOOD BUDGET.

Just because there is a sad clown crying and contemplating on his life's regrets in a black and white movie while some naked French girl dances in the background with balloons tied to her neck DOESN'T MAKE IT A GOOD MOVIE. I'm tired of these 'too deep for you' bullshit that keeps getting portrayed in crappy indie movies. Get a budget and an original thought, guys and stop mooching off your parent's trust funds for your film school.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Cynics: A Quick Overview at a Snobby Society

Cynical - adj. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

We've gotten so bored as an American society that we've created a new emotion. Cynicism. Cynics can come in all shapes and sizes but tend to stick to a singular age group (Generation X) and they all tend to do the same thing which is scoff at any music that isn't cool, scoff at any movie that looks lame, and just scoff at anything they disagree with.

This has to be the most annoying and all-around terrible aspect a human can have. I'll admit that I have moments where I act like a cynical asshole, but I tend to just blurt out all my 'superior' babble on the internet WHERE IT BELONGS. Seriously, the only reason there are so many cynics out there is because our lives are so cushy and soft that we HAVE to find shit to complain about.

We have nice homes, nice air conditioning, nice television programs and nice food and we still manage to bitch about everything. Why? Because we're bored and there's nothing else to do. Could you imagine a group of Sub-Saharan African kids behaving like cynical assholes?

Ongawa: Oh my GOD Nunji, that basket you weaved out of your feet is so unoriginal. I swear, no one in this village has a creative thought in their head.

Nunji: Feed me

Ongawa, you are such a dick! Nunji just wants some food but you still manage to scoff and complain about bullshit. And for all the Ongawas out there, take a look in the mirror.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Monday Movie Review: Catwoman

This is gonna be fun. You know why? Because Catwoman is so bad that it's good. It's almost as if the writers fully intended for their audience to laugh hysterically. Catwoman is just one big sad hour and forty minute long failure of cinema. Let's say the movie industry was a Mom and this movie was its child. Well, this child thought it was a good idea to try meth and now he fucked up his whole life and just made his mom really sad. Alright, so let's get started.

The movie starts off with Halle Berry as a dorky artist that works as an advertising agency and gets bullied A LOT by her boss. Seriously, if there was an award given out for bullies, her boss would take home the Oscar Bully Award for Best Supporting Bully. So as the movie progresses, Halle Berry's character is basically Ugly Betty.

LOL, anyway... Halle Berry's nerd character dies... but wait! A kitty saves her! But not just any kitty... A MAGICAL KITTY THAT MAKES YOU ACT like a cat? Oh ok. Hahaha, then Halle Berry wakes up from her death and runs back to her apartment looking like Whitney Houston after a weekend crack binge. Oh, the shame Halle!

Then she starts to realize she's got cat like reflexes! Awesome! But wait... not only does she gain the abilities of a cat but she ACTS like a cat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She wakes up the next morning on top of her fucking kitchen cabinet. This is where the movie went seriously wrong. Just because Spiderman got bit by a spider doesn't mean he should go around town tying up his food and pooping out spider webs. You've got to make it seem cool!

And who thought it was a good idea to have cat-like abilities as a superhero? Whoever thought of this superpower HAD to have been high. No one sober would look at a cat and say "hey ya know what? I want to fight crime like that guy." I always found it strange that all women superheros have shitty powers. Really Wonder Woman? Your super power is to tie people up and force them to tell the truth? Whatever...

The next day she goes to an old woman's house and the woman throws cat nip in her face (LOL). Then Halle actually wants it! Bahahahahah, then as she walks away she tries to stop herself. Listen to Nancy Reagan, Halle Berry! Just say no! Then she goes to work and back talks her boss because apparently cats do that? Cats hate bosses! Maybe Catwoman would prefer this guy as her boss?

Then she starts to realize what kind of powers she has. Ahhh! I'm a cat! That must've been what she was thinking... Then she finally uses her powers for good. Well, not really... she uses them on her neighbors who won't turn down the music. Haha, really? This movie title should be changed from Catwoman to "Frigid Bitch Who Acts Like A Cat". First order of business as a superhero: TURN DOWN THAT RUCKUS.

Then she decides to stop a couple of robbers she just happened to see robbing this jewelry store? Okay haha. At one point while she's "beating up" these two guys, she says "purrrfect" and I literally lost it. I had to lie down and have a good laugh/cry at this. Then, as the movie progresses she starts to fight crime and people start to title her as catwoman and her detective boyfriend even SEES HER dressed up like catwoman and doesn't recognize her. Seriously? I don't know about you guys but if I've been fucking someone, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to recognize them behind a sixty cent Halloween mask.

Also apparently cats are sluts? Haha, every time she dresses like that dominatrix, she turns into the biggest whore on this side of the Mississippi. Or should I say... Meowsissisppi. Cat-ified! Catslut.

[insert dirty furry picture]

Well, then Catwoman gets arrested because she gets framed for murder. Haha, what? This is another thing that the writers did wrong... If you're a superhero and you're sitting in jail, it's time to close the comic book because I no longer have respect for you because you GOT CAUGHT. But then Halle realizes she can slip through the bars. Hahaha, but when she does it the bars have ENORMOUS gaps between them. Who the fuck designs jail cells like that? Stevie Wonder, that's who.

Then Catwoman has THE MOST unexciting fight scene with Sharon Stone and boom the movie is over and she walks away with her whip. Haha, sigh of relief.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Jersey Shore Roundup

I know what you're thinking... Why is this dumb ass talking about Jersey Shore. I'll tell you why! Watching Jersey Shore is the same type of interest as cars slowing down when a grisly car accident has just happened on the side of the road. You know you do it too so don't judge me.

I guess I should start out talking about this atrocity that has earned these turds with make-up MILLIONS of dollars. Seriously, whose idea was it to put the most stereotypical Italian douche bags in... wait for it... ITALY. Hahahaha that has to be the most offensive thing to bring into that country. It's like going to China with goofy front teeth and walking around saying "herro" and getting into three car collisions.

I also like how the cave dwarf (Snooki) works out and thinks she's a cute little thing now... LOL. Snooki looks like what ET would look like if he ate one too many reese's pieces ...Think about it.

And what in God's name is wrong with "The Situation"s face? He looks like Popeye after a three week meth binge mixed with a slight dabbling in child pornography and trafficking. Seriously, I get that the guy has a 'good body' and has a lot of money, but how can any self respecting girl sleep with this dude. He's a walking petri dish of STDs and idiotic fumes but whatever. I know no matter what I say about him, he'll still be laughing his retarded smile to the bank. Moving on!

Another thing that kind of bothers me about the show besides EVERYTHING is their inaudible accents. I can't understand a fucking word any of them are saying. It's as if every time they have a conversation with eachother, it sounds like Sylvester Stallone and Tony Danza are wrestling behind a muffled doorway.

And the girls!

You know how people tell retarded kids that they can do anything? Well apparently they can! Ahh... the parents of these four dim-witted cum swallowers can sigh of relief because they have finally found a base on how to live their lives normally in society. Honestly, the combined IQ of these women is that of a cheese sandwich. Not even a HAM and cheese sandwich. Ham and cheese is smarter.

Then the turds with wigs burn their hair in the show (LOL) and the only slight glimmer of cleverness came from Snooki when she opened her mouth, not to inhale a penis, but to actually say something! She said "my heart is racing. I feel like King Kong's asshole." LOLWUT. This comment made me laugh the same way a baby makes me laugh when he poops his pants. It's an unintentional funny so I guess I will give the cave dweller that much.

At this point, I've pretty much figured out the formula for Jersey Shore. Stupid girl scene followed by work out followed by make-up-some-phrase followed by fighting/sex and voila! We've got a hit ladies and gentlemen! I'll be posting what I think of these six meat heads every week because I have no life. Have a good weekend!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Generation Tech

My generation is commonly referred to as Generation X which honestly means nothing to me except for the fact that it makes all young people sound scary. I've grown to realize that I belong to the generation that was the last of our kind to experience what life was like WITHOUT internet.

Now when I see little kids walking around it's as if they just fell into this world of technology like it's always been a way of life for everyone, I can't help but think "Huh?". It's the only life they'll ever know! It's like when a baby is born, they're immediately given three things. A birth certificate, social security card and a Facebook page.

Doctor: Here's your beautiful baby boy, Ms. Johnson! But, I have one question for you. What's his relationship status?

Seriously, my little cousin is only 5 years old and he is infinitely better than me at all things technological as if C++ classes are given in the womb. What's sad is that I know most of the crap that he does online and on his little iPhone will never help him in life.

My Cousin:
Hello sir, I'm coming in for an interview.

Interviewer: Great, fantastic! Have you got a resume?

My Cousin: Yes I do! Here you go.

Uhh... what's this here you've got listed under accomplishments?

My Cousin: Oh, I got 3 Stars on all the levels for Angry Birds: Rio

Interviewer: Get out.

I fear for my cousin's mental state! Eventually this will be a thing you guys, I'm serious! All birth certificates will eventually be online and we will all eventually live in the internet and we'll all just evolve into projections of ourselves and we'll no longer have physiological aspects.

Babies are literally going to come out of vaginas looking like iPods with the apple logo on their ass and everything. I'm afraid of what's to come with Generation Tech. They will be even more desensitized, even more dumb and have more porn fueled in their heads by the time they reach 13 than Ron Jeremy in the 70s. Godspeed, tech babies!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Funny Places to Stick My QR Code

Perhaps you've seen these around trendy coffee shops or just on the bottom of a magazine! What is it, you ask? It's a QR Code and it's the latest in lazy advertising so of course I jumped on board the QR Code train. Hop on kids! We're going for a ride!

QR Codes are a small pixelated square that people can scan with their smart phones, and after scanning the code will take them directly to a website. So I printed out about a hundred 1" X 1" laminated cards with my QR Code and have been sticking them all over town.

But, when people see my QR code, I don't want them to say "Oh look, another QR Code. I guess I should just scan it cause I'll look cool." Nope! I want people to say "uhh... who the fuck put this here?" Hahaha, so think of some funny places I can stick these bitches in the comment section and I'll try and see which ones make me laugh the most. Here's a few I already came up with.

- INSIDE of a rhinoceros exhibit at the zoo
- The claw of a lobster in one of those big Red Lobster tanks
- Old lady shopping cart-mobile at Wal Mart
- Seats of a bus so that when obese people get up, others can scan the crack of their ass
- Those cylinder containers that fly up in the tubes at banks
- Missing child poster

Monday, August 1, 2011

Harry Potter Binge

WELL, I officially lost my self respect this weekend. In a 72 hour period, I've managed to defile my own sense of worth and watch every single Harry Potter movie (excluding The Chamber of Secrets because I can't fucking find my brother's copy of that DVD anywhere in the house). Why did I watch all of them, you ask? Because I saw a clip of the newest movie out in theaters on The Daily Show with John Stewart and I thought OKAY NOW THAT LOOKS COOL.

So I put on my sweats, got plenty of fattening snacks and dove head first into a sedentary pool of hygienic neglect and self-loathing. Hahaha, seriously I don't know why I kept watching them and why I was so into it. It's all gibberish to me, sprinkled with a British accent which makes it sound like even more gibberish.

Ugh, I just wish the movies weren't so fucking LONG. It's like watching Avatar seven times in a row. I get it, the books were long and I'm sure the writers/directors had to include so many specific scenes so that the book nerds who actually read them before the movies came out won't have an uproar and trash Hollywood with their wands and brooms. Is there a Cliff Notes version of the movies? Because honestly I'd rather watch a 90 minute, summed up version of all the movies than sit through another ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY MINUTE film. C'mon guys.

Also, what the hell is with this Voldemort character? Haha, he's a chromosome away from being that burn victim who is in all of those Public Service Announcements for drunk driving.

Is that why you're always so pissed off, Lord Voldermort! Were you hit by a drunk driver! Is that why you killed Harry Potter's parents and now have a life long grudge for Harry Potter himself? Did his parents drink and drive, then hit you with their wizard car!? Hahaha, since when did NOT having a nose become the essence of eternal evil? Well, that would be a lot more interesting than this abra kadabra stuff.

LOL but seriously, this stuff is pretty intoxicating and addictive. Sometimes when I drop something I just imagine picking up a stick and saying HOPACA SHALAMADAMA! Then the thing I dropped would magically prop back up into my hand. Ugh, I'M BECOMING ONE OF THEM.

I just kind of wish the witches in these movies were a little more stereotypical like the witches in that old Disney movie Hocus Pocus.

Welp, fell free to have a little Harry Potter themed orgy in the comment section.

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