Saturday, July 2, 2011

What I Learned in Las Vegas

Hi guys!

Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been on vacation. (yes, I know that blogging is not a real job and it doesn't deserve a vacation but I'm tired and writing all these stories is actually semi-exhausting. Hey, at least I'm not a cole miner.) I went to Las Vegas, Nevada. The city of lost and tormented souls and oh boy did I learn a lot about the human species. Here's a list of things that I've learned just by walking down the street.

1. Being Homeless in Las Vegas is a Competition

Yup! It's true! Being homeless in Vegas is like being a desperate actor in line for a B-Rated movie audition. It seems like every three feet, there's a new and hopeless scoundrel showing off their minor talent while, all at the same time, there are another group of homeless baritones singing "Blue Moon" in beautiful harmony. But, I'd have to say the homeless folks that show the most courage and the most beauty are the absolute NUT CASES. For example, I saw a woman sitting down on the side of the sidewalk with snakes... SNAKES wrapped around her body and told me to come join her. I was curious enough and sat beside her.

Oh yeah, and she had a beard.

2. There Are Too Many Outlets for Lunatics

Let me explain what this means. In Las Vegas, every square inch is exposure, lights, horror and hilarity all strung together in a superimposed magnifying glass of society. There are a million outdoor karaoke bars, many people with microphones and small boom boxes just for the fuck of it, and last but not least (oh the horror) a small camera inside of a hotel where you only have to pay $7 to be projected on a massive screen outside. SEVEN DOLLARS. Any lunatic can gather up $7 and twiddle their fingers, knowing in the back of their head that the demon squirrels will have their voice heard finally! This isn't a very good thing but it certainly leads to many random quotes being yelled from the strip by people who should be admitted into Belleview.

3. Drunks are Drunks

Drunks aren't angry. Drunks aren't funny. Drunks aren't clever. Drunks are drunks and it will always be that way. The only for sure fact about drunk people is that they are over sensitive to any comment made. For example, at 2 am when I was walking back to my hotel I saw a woman crying in a wedding dress in the elevator crouched down on the floor. I entered the elevator of course, curious as to what she was crying about and why the hell she was in a wedding dress. A man was standing beside her telling her to shut up as he smoked a cigarette, letting the ashes fall on her. She looked at an ash stain, gasped and yelled "WHAT THE FUCK JOHNNY!" Then the man threw his cigarette on the ground, grabbed her by the neck and said "You shut your fucking mouth... you're a school teacher." I held in my laughter for as long as I could then the doors opened (not to my floor) and I ran outside laughing hysterically. God bless that couple.

9 clueless comments:

i love your blog! it cracks me up hahahah :)

AHAHAHAHAHA what a drunk

that was the most random elevator story I've ever heard.

Oh that's awesome, sounds almost like they were acting out a drama.

Ah, so true...

great post, can't wait for more

I really have no desire to go to Vegas. It basically sounds like a giant, well lit trailer park.

You get used to the crazies after you've lived here awhile. :p

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