A Little Piece

Why don't little people get big Hollywood roles?

Movie Cliches

I hope I get hit by a bus.

Culture Shock

Learn why people my age have dirtier thoughts and by dirtier thoughts I am simply just saying that because now you're thinking something filthy.

Monday Movie Review

Go bananas for a movie about bananas.

Sign Spinners

They shake, they waddle, they do everything shitty for a shitty price.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Celebrities That Look Alike

I guess for some reason, Hollywood thought it would be a good idea to make a clone of certain actors/actresses. I've noticed this alot while watching movies to the point where I'm like "WAIT... Wasn't she in that movie with Black Jack?"

Then my friend is like "Shutup and eat your popcorn."

It's really hard to tell some of these people apart, you guys! I hate going to the movies now because all these famous faces are starting to morph into these single-celled creatures with perfect, porcelin skin, winning Oscars for turning into birds and such.

So yeah, let's take a look at some celebrities that really shouldn't exist in the same universe.

Natalie Portman vs. Keira Knightley

Seriously, what the hell? Natalie and Keira are both celebrated actresses and absolute masters of their craft but WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY TWINS. So, who wins this one? Natalie, duh!

Katy Perry vs. Zooey Deschanel

Black hair, blue eyes, beautiful and quirky. All of these describe both of these bitches to a tee. Honestly, I like Zooey more but because of the atrocity of She & Him as well as the absolute bitch she portrayed in 500 Days of Summer, I'm going with Katy Perry and her foam squirting tits.

Nicole Kidman vs. Naomi Watts

Surprisingly, these bitches are friends! For some reason, they are attracted to only white blonde actresses which are a dime a dozen and frankly these two look identical to me. I thought Nicole Kidman did an awesome performance in King Kong and Naomi Watts absolutely killed it in Rabbit Hole (seewhatIdidthere?). So yeah, Nicole Kidman's face doesn't move anymore so I'm going to have to go with Naomi. Wooh!

Have a good friday urrbody.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

"What If's" with Tootsy

So the only thing that makes my job tolerable is the girl that sits in the cube beside me. For obvious reasons, I'm not going to use her real name so I will only refer to her as Tootsy. I say Tootsy because I'm eating a tootsie roll right now and it is scrum-diddly-umptious. Awh yeah, I Ned Flanderized that shit. Moving on!

Tootsy is a black 30 year old girl that does other mundain tasks like myself but happens to have a really 'Def Comedy Jam' sense of humor. We often send e-mails back and forth at our desks, sharing our 'what if' scenarios.

'What if' scenarios are basically events we make up and that we think would be funny. The office we work at has a lot of upper class, conservative white employees so most of our scenarios are absurd things that ghetto people would do. Here are a few recent ones we have thought up.

- What if we go to Karen's going away party upstairs and I busted the door down with my foot and yelled 'WHERE DA WHITE WOMEN AT'.

- What if I sat my ass up on the copy machine, made a bunch of scans and distributed them across the office professionaly in a bunch of manilla envelopes.

- What if we just started fighting in the break room.

- What if I waited in the elevator and when people came in, I'd start barking at them like DMX.

- What if I drew the wu tang symbol on the bottom corner of this copy that has to go out to corporate.

(For this comment, you need to know we were at a restaraunt for the office holiday party)

- What if I came in wearing a festive thong and rolled onto the table where everyone was eating, then dipped my junk into the salsa.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why I avoid the elevator at work

Small talk is the devil. Scratch that, small talk is the devil's pierced dick trying to penetrate you. Maybe it's because of my anti-social tendencies or the lack of caring (or knowledge) of every day things that people at work like to talk about in the elevator. So yeah, gas prices are up but what the hell difference does it make if I'm talking about it with a forty-something "administrative assistant" in a 2-floor elevator.

I avoid the elevator now whenever I see a group of chatty bitches waiting and giggling and chattin' up a storm. Wooh, do those ladies love to chat up a storm. It's like every day, a category 5 chit-chat hurricane blows in through the office I intern at, knocking down file cabinets along with my ability to function when someone asks me about school.

Also, it doesn't help whenever people ask me patronizing questions like who I think will win American Idol or what kind of music I listen to. Yes, I am the youngest person that works in the office but that doesn't mean I WATCH GODDAMN HANNAH MONTANA. That show isn't even on anymore.

So to all the fanny-pack-wearing, sun-burnt-flaunting, morbidly obese waddlers that call themselves women I work with... Yeah, I guess the weather is nice today.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Shit Devin Says: Awkward Silences

As I've posted before, Devin is a very awkward, very round and an accidental expert on comedic timing that sits beside me in Calculus. Today we only had to pop in for fifteen minutes to do attendance then we would leave because the school is being shut down for renovations and blah blah blah money, money, money...

Anyways, today everyone walked in groggy and Devin looked around like a curious bird stuck in a puddle of molasses in January. (Wow, sorry... I've been watching too many episodes of Gold Rush.)

So yeah, Devin finally opens his mouth to speak. The best way I can explain Devin's voice would be a Vagina-Soaker. In that, I mean his voice dries up vaginas in a five mile radius. Moving on! (I am Leo.)

Devin looks around the room

Devin: Geeze, did someone die in here!

Leo: Hahahaha, what?

Devin: It's so quiet and everyone is like this (Devin shrugs his shoulders and crosses his eyes).

Leo: I think the phrase you meant is 'who died'. Not 'did someone die in here', hahaha... That makes no sense, Devin.

Devin throws his hands into the air like a diva

Devin: Ugh, whatever.. You people know what I mean!

Leo: Did you get a hair cut?

Devin: Huh? No.

Leo: Cause it looks like you got a hair cut, Devin.

Devin: I didn't trim my stubbles! My hair is the same length as before, it didn't magically grow over night.

Leo: Okay, how about your sister. Did she get a hair cut?

Devin: Well, yes she did. She looks silly now.

Leo: Does she look like Sinead O'Connor in that one video.

Devin: Excuse me!

Leo: You're excused.

Devin: I never understood that.

Leo: Never understood what?

Devin: I never understood why people say 'excuse me' or 'pardon me' when they're offended. It's such a polite way of saying 'hey man you are rude'.

Leo: Hahaha, Devin... That was shockingly coherent.


Leo: Eh, sure

And then Devin proceeded to show me pictures of his sister's hair.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Rejected Country Songs

Country songs are all sweet and peaceful and about butterflies floating out of guitar strums but back in the 60s when old country grew rampant with popularity in the deep south, people loved writing songs about oppression! Fuck yeah! So here's a list of some rejected country songs that just couldn't meet with today's politically appropriate standards.

- lovin on my sisters muffin

A beautiful ballad about the incestual taboo occurring in a double wide mobile home. This ones a tear jerker!

- singin with my Klan hat on backwards

This one puts a hilarious spin on the typical white supremacy group known as the klu klux Klan. This song will have you lynching with laughter.

- dosey doe round the burning books

This song is just pretty much about burning anything cultural and outside of the Christian religion.

- correct me if im wrong but ma'am you're water just broke

This was originally picked up as the theme song for I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Ridiculous, yes but a haunting duet with dolly Parton and Stevie wonder... Uh awesome!

Note: these are all fictional songs so don't google any of them.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Advertised Songs, Vol. 1

As you know, advertisers are always looking for new and creative ways to shove product placement down our throats in every day lives. It's on the internet, on our phones, in our mail boxes and someday they will be in OUR BRAINS... Jk (I hope).

So here's a few of some classic songs I thought would be a pretty good selection for a bit of advertisement tweaking.

Original: Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me

Advertised: Def Leppard - Pour Some Splenda On Me

Def Leppard is kind of old and tired and who else is old and tired? That's right... old people. And what do old people love? That's right... splenda. Check and mate.

Original: The Beatles' Masterpiece album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Advertised: Dr. Pepper's Lonely Hartz Chicken Club Band

Bam! Advertised! Take the greatest album of all time and throw some Dr. Pepper and Hartz chicken into the mix and what do you get? The same album but just alot more gas...

Original: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Advertised: Radiohead - Verizon Android

Wow! Everyone knows the 90s classic was about the phone that would come out more than a decade later. DROID out!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Live Blog: 4/20 (Sad Mom Day)

Today is a day to be celebrated but it is also a day that is unknowingly dreaded by witless mothers that think that funny smell in your room is a dead skunk in the attic. I'll be live blogging my experiences all day from start to end, feel free to join me in the comments if you'd like.

12:35 am - Took my first celebratory hit with David Bowie's record Space Oddity playing in my room. Whoever Tom is, I need him to know that ground control is coming. Gonna stay on the internet for a bit longer then hit the bed.

6:57 am - Time for school! Once again took another celebratory hit so I can handle the horde of idiots I have to endure. Haha this is starting to sound like alcoholism. Say hello to the green unicorns kids!

8:33 am - For some reason I guess my school thought it would be funny to have a fire drill today. It looks so apocalyptic now as if a nuclear missle is headed straight for us.

11:00 am - Reading George Orwell's 1984. I feel like he wrote this while he was extremely high. One more class and I'm going home so I can see the magic ponies again. Today I saw a girl hit a black man with a flip flop. What is happening to the world?

1:26 pm - At work now... Sobriety until 5 O'Clock :(
Damn you, responsibilities!

9:18 pm - Wow, I forgot about you guys haha... So I got off work, went to my friend taylor's house and he was there and his friend was there and THE WHOLE PLACE SMELLED LIKE FRUIT LOOPS. Then we smoked out of this weird 8 chamber, home made soda bong that was just awesome. There were bugs all over all of us.
Then I went to Cici's Pizza with my friend Zack and we molested that all you can eat buffet like a horny priest fondles an alter boy.
Then me and my friend went back to Taylor's and we all took a one hour nap and then I dropped my friend off, went back home and caught the end of Dumb and Dumber.

11:21 pm - Well, the day is dwindling away along with my buzz but the night still continues to grow darker and the days will come and this particular day will come some day as well when the cosmos allign and gives you that perfect evening.
Good night everybody.

420: sad mom day

As many of you may know, tomorrow is the celebrated "4/20" which basically means "hey everybody let's get high and disappoint our mothers." So yeah, I'll be celebrating national disappoint your mother day along with some friends and I'll have a 24 hour blog post starting at midnight. Feel free to share your terrible, drug altered thoughts.

Technology Worm Hole

I walked into Verizon Sunday, skeptical on getting a new phone and somehow I ended up walking out with an iPhone? Okay, sure I guess this thing is a part of my life now. At first I just thought it would be an ipod and a phone mixed together... Cool! Now I don't have to carry two things. But oh my god, it's so much more.

Seriously guys, I've fallen in love with this thing. It has organized everything for me and I have folders on it for every aspect of my life. Gas, checking, savings, blogging, writing, school, work, texting, games and yeah you get it.

But I've noticed something since I got my iPhone.... Actually it's what I haven't noticed. I don't remember a single thing that has happened since Sunday and it's because I've been so deeply immersed into my phone, downloading apps to make life easier.

I have been so focused on putting my entire life into this gadget, that I forgot what life was. Yesterday I heard a bird tweet and thought I got a twitter update. Someone poked me in class yesterday because I wasn't listening to the teacher and I thought I got a poke on facebook. I can't tell what reality is anymore.

I'm in a technology loop. Help.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Monday Movie Review: 2012

Well, I guess we should go ahead and start this car wreck. Come on kids, get in the car, because we're going to Suckville. I guess I don't really have a personal problem with disaster movies, I actually quite enjoy them. Deep Impact, Armageddon, Independence Day... All pretty bad movies, but enjoyable!

2012 really set the path in shitty, shitty movie writing like Michael Bay, the Godfather of bad writing has so eloquently reflected as well as the Einstein of a director for Battle: LA (barf). Anyways, 2012 is just an all out, t-bagging circle jerk of a movie. I can understand why people may enjoy it. We're all looking at a pretty normal flick with classic, shitty writing and then- OH MY GOD.

Check out those incredible special effects! I'm blown away that there was a fault in the Earth right between these two pretty actor lol talk about subtle product placement!


So yeah, this is the story I guess... A guy is kind of a shitty father so he decides to take his kids on a camping trip! Awh, idn't that sweet? Wait, guys, you didn't let me finish... ON THE WEEKEND OF THE APOCALYPSE... BRING YOUR PITCHFORKS AND GOAT FUCKERS CAUSE WE'RE GOING APE SHIT IN THE FIELDS OF YELLOW STONE. Woody Harrilson knows what I'm talkin' about!

Hahahaha, what the swinging dicks? Why? Just, why? I always heard in inerviews and stuff that Woody Harrilson takes all his parts seriously and he's basically like the opposite of Tim Allen and then he does a part like this? This is like Meryl Streep signing up for an episode of Tellitubbies. (fingers crossed)

Anyways, the rest of the movie is basically awful, awfully written scenes attempting to portray some kind of universal humanistic emotion but just ends up feeling like a bad porno. We're all watching this for one reason and that's to see the big action scenes (sex scene) but the hollywood big-wigs wanted to try to make this shit artsy and you add in all the extra dialogue in between the good scenes.

Then I guess the screenplay took an awry, original turn into Noah's Ark? Sure, let's just pretend like that's a novel idea and not even creatively re-interpreted like Deep Impact did with the underground 2-year cave. NOPE, WE'LL JUST STICK WITH THE BOAT STORY, NO REASON TO CHANGE IT.

R.I.P. My dreams.

Orange Juice: The New Teenage Drug

So, I saw this commercial on TV the other day and couldn't help but think: huh? Hahaha, this kid's life sucks and he doesn't give a shit about it.

"What's that, baby sister? You said you want me to molest you at night when mom is asleep, great thanks awesome."

"What did you just say, puppy? You'd like to bite on my leg and have me throw you into the blender and microwave your chunks? Great, awesome at least I have my orange juice."

This kid is a mess. They might as well replace orange juice with heroin in this commercial. Someone give him some positive re-enforcement.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Have A Good Friday

This kid knows what I'm talking about!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What Not To Do At Church On Easter

So Easter Sunday is approaching, the day where Jesus rose from the dead and feasted upon the brains of the innocent and a lot of people are doing their bi-yearly routine of attending church. I'm not calling these people hypocrites or anything, but they're probably the same kind of people that only visit their parents in retirement homes once a year. Moving on!

More average than not, a lot more people attend church on Easter than they would regularly besides Christmas Eve sermon. So, here's an essential guide on what NOT to do when you go to church on the 24th, for those of you who are not used to the church customs (lol, I am not).

- Do not attend church dressed as the Easter bunny. I know you may think this is appropriate attire for the day and all, but I assure you that it is in fact frowned upon. Especially when you try to fit into the confessional booth with those big flappy ears in the way.

- Do not hide easter eggs in the pews. I repeat, do NOT hide easter eggs in the pews for the sole fact that people will just sit on them and make a big ol' hissy fit about how their big fat, christian asses broke a plastic egg.

- When it's time to approach the preist to "eat the body of christ" and "drink the blood of christ" (lolwut), do not hop toward him like a bunny and then nibble on the piece of bread like a bunny rabbit. I assure you, they will get pissed.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Things That Terrify Me

There are a lot of things that disturb and out right scare the shit out of me. So, let's get started DUDES...

First on the list... toilets. I know everyone has grown used to the sound and has been used as the international sound for "I'm done pooping" but seriously, the sound is just awful. Pooping should be a peaceful, empathetical experience that should be done alone (and not in the public restroom of a Chili's). The sound of a toilet flushing is like the gates of hell opening as the three headed dog comes roaring out, chomping your family. Also, for some reason the toilets in hospitals are EXTRA terrifying.

This is actually a pretty common fear... Clowns. Fucking clowns. I'm so scared of clowns, I can't even post a picture of an ACTUAL clown... I had to go with clip art. The root of this fear happened when I was younger. I was at the local public library with my brother and before we were getting ready to leave, I looked behind me from the back of the car and saw a van pull up with, you guessed it, A FUCKING CLOWN. He was getting ready to perform for a show in the library's children's section (inappropriate) and I saw him shuffling in the driver's seat, getting his materials like a horn and water-squirting flowers etc... Then he stopped what he was doing because he saw me looking at him and I guess somewhere in his demented mind, he thought it would be funny to twiddle his fingers at me, and grin his big red lips. I shat myself.

That's about all I can think of right now, if I remember any other horror stories, I'll keep you guys posted.

"Awwhhhh" Fest: 2011

Click here to waste time

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Military Fever

I've noticed lately that a lot of kids I went to high school with are now in the military, army, marines, navy etc.... It's all the same to me to be honest. I understand that there are certain jobs that are more dangerous than others when you're going into the armed forces but... Why? Seriously, why would you sign up for something like this when you're so young?

I remember this kid in my advisory class (class that talks about your feelings) last year and he explained the rigorous training he would have to endure once he would go to boot camp. He said that they are rationed food, told when to pee, told when to sleep and they all sleep in the same room, cramped like sausages. Also, if they vomit at any time during training, they must pick up the vomit with their hands and put it in their pants.

I thought that last part was bullshit too, believe me but he stuck with his word. So basically, these kids are signing up to be in the holocaust? Because that's what it all sounds like. I know these people do an important service and they protect my ass blah blah blah, and I'M GRATEFUL... DOWN WITH BEARDED TERRORISTS. But really, WHY WOULD SOMEONE SIGN UP FOR THIS.

This sounds like terrible, mental torture. I'm surprised they aren't forced to masturbate to a photo of their mothers as a form of punishment for not cleaning their shoes with a dingy tooth brush correctly.

Also apparently kids who don't even have interest in combat have to go through boot camp. HUH! Someone I knew was joining the marines to be in their band (hahahahhahahaa) because apparently that's a thing?

He said that he would have to go through a thirteen week boot camp just like everyone else and apparently he had to tie a bayonet to his tuba or something so the terrorists won't kill him while he's horning out a sweet melodic version of Star Spangled Banner.

I highly doubt that these band nerds will ever face combat, haha. This isn't the Civil War, where each battle had to be introduced by a flamboyant flute player wearing a red, white and blue man-skirt.

But whatever, to each their own I guess.

Co-Worker Madness!

One red heel... One little red heel changed a woman's life yesterday.

For obvious reasons, I'm not going to say the exact place I work but just so you guys know, I'm an intern at a certain "Association" that has just been discontinued by the government and it involves a little bit of space exploration. Moving on!

So of course, there have been some lay-offs lately and everyone is on edge because they don't know whether they will have a job next month and with this kind of stress comes... you guessed it... FIGHTS.

I came in yesterday and there was an ambulance, cop car and parking lot security (lol) all parked outside. Huh! What? I was wondering what the hell happened so I came in through the entrance and see everyone walking around in a panic.

Apparently an employee upstairs just went ballistic after hearing the news that she was being laid off and took it all out on her cube mate. Someone upstairs said that she took off her high heels (yes her high heels) and beat her cube mate in the face with them.

Hahahahahahahhahahahaha, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. Who does that? I don't know if you guys know this but an office is filled, literally FILLED with blunt objects to hurt people. Keyboards, staplers, hole punchers, scanners, monitors... But no, this bitch took off her high heel haha. You can take the space engineer out of the ghetto but you can't take the ghetto out of the space engineer.

Just thought I'd let you guys know that the smartest people in this country are also the craziest ones.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday Movie Review: Avatar

Alright, I know this isn't the newest movie to come out but I'm broke and can't afford to go to the movies every damn weekend so deal with it. I saw this on HBO the other night for the first time and honestly can't seem to find the hype of it. So, let's get started.

First of all, why is this movie so fucking long? Avatar is so long that it should be a measurement of time.

Man 1: Hey, how long was that flight?

Man 2: Oh God, it was like 3 Avatar's long and there was a crying baby that cried for like 2 Avatar's, I wanted to shoot myself.

So yeah, you get the point. So Avatar is basically a sci-fi movie by the muppet James Cameron and all his infinite billions of dollars. The movie starts off with a guy in a wheel chair (haha) going into the military to replace his twin brother? Uhh... Okay, sure, let's just pretend like that's actually a thing. Yeah, I know I should keep an open mind especially with this kind of movie but twin plots drive me crazy. This is exactly why I hated Sister, Sister.

So yeah, basically the concept of the movie is a group of EVIL Americans come to this beautiful land called Pandora (the app?) and it's like ape shit awesome. Floating islands, nekked women and swinging dicks galore. Anyways, a group of scientists came along on the evil quest (science guyz are good guyz) and they have an "Avatar" program going. The program is basically a soul swapper that switches souls from the human to a gigantic, 8 foot tall smurf.

Another thing I thought was weird was that when the Avatar switch souls, they for some reason have the same voice? Okay, they completely change their physiology and species but for some reason ALL of them know english and sound exactly the same as they did when they were human.

Also Sigourney Weaver is the same height as her avatar. The woman is a fucking amazon or should I say GLAMAZON.

So yeah, the group of science nerds all go through the jungle and try to find "a diplomatic solution" to degutting their planet haha. Okay, so you know that old 90s commercial with the Native American man that cries because someone litters? The people of Pandora are like that TIMES A MILLION... Seriously, they are in love with every fucking ant on that planet and the evil Americans think it's completely logical for the fake Avatar to come in with their Harvard shirts and guns and think everything will be okay. Uhh, they don't even have bow and arrows!

So some crazy shit happens with the Kirstie Alley beasts of the jungle and the Jake (fake avatar) falls in love with Nala (I think that's her name? She's a real Avatar). But it is forbidden! A fake-navi must not have hair sex with a true-navi! Hahahahaha, the balls on this movie.

Seriously, I understand the metaphor of this movie but I feel like James Cameron is shoving the message down my throat with all his pseudo-intellect, hippy bullshit. I get it, evil corporations are bad and poor 3rd world countries that have awesome culture are good. It doesn't have to be 3 goddamn hours.

And then this happens... Jake wrestles + makes a pterodactyl reach orgasm

Okay! And all of the Awards go to.... THIS ASSHOLE

Shit Devin Says: Time Travel

Hey everyone, hope your weekend was awesome... So, I went back into precal class this Monday and what awaited me, you ask? Devin and his awesome fables... Like I said, Devin always says shit that doesn't make sense and he always seems to find a way to sneak his way into conversations and share his input. Here's how today went. (I'm Leo)

Curtis: So yeah, we have to learn about quantum physics in my physics class.

Leo: Really? That's part of the curriculum? I always thought that was sci-fi stuff.

Curtis: It's mainly theories but yeah we're essentially learning science fiction.

Devin: What's the craziest thing you've learned?

Curtis: Parallel universes I guess.

Devin: Parallel what?

Curtis: The theory that there are alternative universes surrounding us with all of us in them, just different versions.

Devin: Wait, so there might be a country version of me? And a police officer version? And an Indian version?

Leo: Why do you only envision yourself as a member of The Village People?

Devin: Be quiet... What else do you learn, Curtis?

Curtis: Time travel is another topic we're going over.

Devin: Hmm... I think we can go forward but we can never go back.

Leo: Hahahaha, what? Well, no shit we can go forward, we're going forward right now.

Devin: No, I mean we can go super fast in the future, we just can't go back in time.

Leo: So what happens when we go ahead in the future? What takes the spot of our previous self in the past?

Devin: ... Huh? Look, I just think we can go ahead in the future, and when we get there we're all old and in retirement homes.

Leo: Okay.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Have A Good Friday!

She's so damn edgy!

The Lunatics of Fast Food

So, when I was a Senior in High School, I was completely broke and ready to go to college, so like many teens I had to find a summer job. The job I chose was a southwest Tex-Mex restaraunt chain called Taco Cabana. It's only in a few states and it's basically a glorified Taco Bell.

So, what I want to point out today are the absolute, maniacal fanatics that take over during the grave yard shift. Because I was 18 at the time, there were a few nights where I had to work from midnight to dawn with the biggest creeps, junkies and failures of life. There were two particular people that I found completely insane and incapable of living during the daylight which was the reason they took on the job of night crawlers.

First off is Daniella, the 45 year old "escort" who lost her children two years ago by CPS due to the fact that she was addicted to cocaine. The other worker was Tommy who looked like he could have been in his mid-40s but was in actuality, only 25 years old. Tommy is a deranged, antisocial outcast that has meth scars all over his face and teeth so yellow, they look like a row of overused urinal cakes.

The only Godsend I had to look forward to on these night shifts was Tiffany, a hilarious 22 year old girl with dark hair and a twisted sense of humor like me.

It was a Monday night and the four of us were at our posts, with nothing to do standing idly by as the instrumental mexican music played inside. I never knew why we were open 24 hours even on a Monday night, it was ridiculously slow and the only occasional customers we would have were absolute maniacs. Like seriously, I feel like our particular restaraunt was next door to a mental asylum and every night, the maniacs escaped and craved our delicious tacos and burritos.

So this is what happened... It was probably about 2 a.m. when we decided to give up and hang out in the back kitchen, at least until we heard someone come in or we heard that ding that occurs when a driver pulls up to the menu. Tiffany and I found humor in talking with Daniella and Tommy only because their comments and stories were so fucking strange.

So here's how it went... (I'm Leo)

Tiffany: Tommy, how's your girlfriend.

Tommy: My what?

Tiffany: Your girlfriend.

(Tiffany and I started to laugh because Tommy makes this weird face when he doesn't hear someone clearly which is always.)

Tommy: Oh, she's good. We're starting to look at apartments, we really gotta get out of her parent's place.

Leo: Do you guys do it at her parent's house? Do they ever hear her moan?

Tommy: Oh my god, shut up Leo... We do it in the car before I come in for work when she drops me off.

(Me and Tiffany start laughing hysterically.)

Daniella: Awh, that's sweet that you guys still make time for that. My sugar daddy never does anything romantic.

Tiffany: That's because he's paying to fuck you and he's married.

(Daniella picks up a large kitchen knife.)

Daniella: Bitch, I will cut you.

(I start laughing so hard I'm going to pee then realize that Daniella is serious and she begins to approach Tiffany.)

Leo: Daniella, stop... Maria's going to be pissed when she comes in tomorrow and Tiffany is dead on the floor.

Daniella: You're not even worth it, Tiffany. I need to get my kids back and I'm not throwing that away for your sorry ass.

(Tiffany sighs from relief and Tommy raises his hand. He always does this when he wants to talk.)

Tommy: Man, I wish I still worked back at the funeral home.

Leo: You worked at a funeral home?

Tommy: Yeah man.

Leo: Did you see bodies?

Tommy: Yeah man, I did everything imaginable to those bodies. You name it, I did it.

(Tiffany and I laugh so hard, we both pee a little bit.)

Tiffany: Tommy, stop. Just stop, I don't want to hear anymore.

Tommy: Trust me, you don't.


Then it was time to go back to work and the lunatics went back to their side of the store... I kind of miss that place.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

So A Duck Walks Into An Ice Cream Shop...

For years, this joke has been told and re-told and some of you may have already heard it... My uncle told me this joke about a year ago and I thought I'd share it.

So, a duck walks into an ice cream shop and looks around. It's not a normal duck it's pretty smart and it wears pants and stuff.

So, the duck is looking around and then he turns to the clerk and says,
"Hey, you guys got any duck food?"

The clerk gives the duck a dumb look like, "what the fuck? Why would we have duck food this is an ice cream shop."

The duck replies, "Oh, alright seeya later."

The next day the duck walks back into the ice cream shop. The shop keeper is a little annoyed. He doesn't like ducks very much. So, after the duck repeatedly walks up and down the store he looks at the clerk again
"Uh... you guys got any duck food today?"

The clerk rolls his eyes.
"No. We do not have any duck food and we will never have duck food."

The duck says,
"alright alright alright... I'll get outta your hair."

The following day, the duck walks into the ice cream shop again. The clerk is reading a magazine, and when he sees the duck he sighs.

The duck does the usual procedure, he walks up and down the shop and then looks at the clerk.
"Err... I hate to interrupt you but... duck food?"

The clerk slams his magazine down on the counter.
"Listen God damn it. We don't have any fucking duck food. And if you come in here asking for it again I'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor, go it?"

The duck, terrified runs out of the shop.

A few days pass, and the duck comes back into the ice cream shop.

The clerk says,
"Jesus Christ, you know you got some nerve comin' back here. What do you want?"

The duck looks around suspiciously and says,
"Uhh... you guys got any nails?"

The clerk says,
"uhh... no"

The duck replies with a smile
"oh! then you got any duck food?"

Wal-Mart Wasteland

Before I get started, I want to make it very clear that I love Wal-Mart and I think it does an awesome service for struggling families that so desperately need cheap shit because their crappy jobs won't allow any other source.

With that said, I want to bring light on the people of Wal-Mart... Seriously, it's like walking into a circus but, I'm not saying only strange and hideous people shop at Wal-Mart! I've actually seen pretty girls and normal looking families but 75% of the time, the shoppers are typically the dirt of the human species.

So I was walking around the popcorn chicken smelling store, looking for a notebook I needed for class and dove into the trenches of human waste and asshole children. On the way to the notebook aisle, I stopped because there was a pig-nosed, red-faced little shit-stain of a child in my way, holding a plunger. A plunger? What the fuck... He was pointing the plunger directly at me and standing there with fortitude as if he's the KING OF FUCKING WAL-MART.

"Don't you move a muscle," he said in a country accent.

I made my way around the little ball of dough and dodged into an aisle... But oh my god, I dodged into the wrong aisle. There standing in the rows upon rows of soaps, towels and other restroom utencils was an old woman in an automated shopping cart. Everyone I have ever seen in these rascal-shopping carts have been a complete asshole with absolutely no regard in the fact that they are in a store where other people walk around. The old woman had garfield hair pins and greyish hair and a smug attitude that screamed "Get away from me because I'm basically the old guy from UP".

She turned her little machine around and started to rampage her way toward me like a slow and brittle rhinoceros. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of her way and let her pass me by with what little life she had left.

I tried to make my way to the school supplies aisle, keeping my vision straight forward so I wouldn't get depressed by seeing all of the dead eyed mothers trying to control their hundreds of children on leashes. Seriously, what the fuck? Why are middle class women having so many children and at what point in time did it become okay to just give up and treat them like animals and put them on a leash.

So after endless minutes of ignoring the putrid smells and holding in my pee because I refused to be molested in the Wal-Mart "family" restroom, I finally made my way out of the horde of animalistic consumers, fucking and reproducing more idiots.

But Wal-Mart is still a pretty cool place...

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Why I L.O.V.E. Kyle Kinane

Seriously, if you want to witness true comedy and amazing execution, watch this video.

The Facebook Epidemic

I unfortunately have been sucked into the vortex of social networks and sitting on my ass with a thin layer of cheeto dust on my shirt. Well, I am NOT dusting off all of the cheeto dust but instead I will share with you the absurdity that I have seen on facebook...

First off, we have the imbeciles that know literally nothing about music and instead decide to name drop random musical artists that don't share the same genre or ERA whatsoever.

Next are the sluts. OHHHHHH sluts! With their alcohol, blonde hair and forced cleavage, who can't enjoy their rants!

And finally, what would facebook be without the Myspace immigrants? Myspace immigrants are the ghetto posters that have grown tired of the desolate, abandoned world of Myspace and traveled to the new and rich social network facebook.

Burn in hell, all of you

The 10 Greatest Movie Quotes: Kitty Edition

According to AMC, these are the 10 greatest movie quotes of all time. Let's translate them into kitty language!

10. Anna Christie (1930)

"Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy baby."

Translation: "Gimme your whiskers, ginger snaps on the side. And don't be stingy pussy."

9. Taxi Driver (1976)

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Well, who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the f--k do you think you're talkin' to?"

Translation: "You purrin' to me? You purrin' to me? You purrin' to me? Well, who the hell else are you purrin' to? You purrin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the f--k do you think you're purrin' to?"

8. Gone With The Wind (1939)

"Frankly Dear, I don't give a damn!"

Translation: "Frankly Dear, I don't give a meoooowwwww!"

7. Duck Soup (1933)

"I could dance with you till the cows come home...On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows when you came home."

Translation: "I could dance with you till the cows come home...On second thought, I'd rather hiss at things and scratch the wall."

6. Forrest Gump (1994)

"My Mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get."

Translation: "My Mama-cat always said, 'Life was like a litter box; shit happens."

5. Blazing Saddles (1974)

"Won't you excuse me for a moment while I ... slip into something a little bit more ... comfortable?"

Translation: "Won't you excuse me for a moment while I ... hide under the couch and never come out in public?"

4. The Terminator (1984)

"I'll be back."

Translation: "I'll be licking the back of your neck."

3. I'm No Angel (1933)

"Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men."

Translation: "Well, it's not the cat nip in your life that counts, it's the nip in your cat."

2. Casablanca (1942)

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

Translation: "Of all the milk joints in all the houses in all the world, she crawled into mine."

1. Dr. No (1969)

"...Bond... James Bond."

Translation: "Whiskers... Mr. Whiskers."

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Shit Devin Says

In precal class lies a boy named Devin. Devin is a round-bellied awkward kid that says shit that literally never makes sense. He rambles and talks a million miles per hour, then crosses his arms as if he had just succeeded something. Here is how today went. (I am Leo)

Karla: Did you get that shirt in Germany?

Leo: No, I got it in a thrift shop.

Karla: Oh, I just thought you got it in Germany because it says Germany on it.

Leo: So? Devin wears a Coca-Cola shirt all the time, it doesn't mean he got it at a Coca-Cola factory. Devin, have you been to the Coca-Cola factory?

Devin: No, but I've been to a Tabasco factory.

Leo: A Tabasco factory? What did you do there?

Devin: I burned my tongue off!

Leo: Where is the Tobasco factory?

Devin: Oh, I don't know, somewhere east.

Leo: East? As in Asia?

Devin: No, like east of this country like Alabama or something.

Leo: You don't remember? You traveled that far to go to a Tobasco factory and you don't even remember which state it was in?

Devin: It was like a weird state with a lot of trees. I don't remember

And here he is! The man of the hour! (not joking, this is actually him)

The Strangeness of Malls

I went to the mall this past weekend because I had to get fitted for a suit for a blah blah blah, no one cares... So, I haven't been to the mall for a while due to the fact that I do most of my shopping at target or thrift shops because you know, I'm a broke college student. As I walked through the department stores, being assaulted by the perfume women that just stand their like fucking idiots, I noticed that the mall is seriously a strange place. I can understand the need for nice things if you have the money and the expensive clothes that the public just gobbles up but there are a few things I just can't wrap my head around.

One of these things is the abundance of rejected characters that sit in the middle of the mall in hopes that someone's kid will take a picture with them. I can understand Santa but that's about it. Everytime I have gone to the mall there is a lame ass, minimum wage employee sweating inside of a costume that has clearly been thrown out by an abandoned high school. For example, this past weekend I saw a humongous Easter Bunny man sitting in the middle of the mall with a great setting of gigantic flowers and bird houses. Umm... That's fucking terrifying. What child wants to greet a HUMAN SHAPED rabbit? Donnie Darko... That's who.

Also, Hollister is probably one of the strangest advertising stores I've seen. At what point will they stop marketing their clothes toward tweens, young blonde boys and blonde girls and finally start marketing it at who actually wears the clothes now which is mexican men and their pregnant girlfriends.

Seriously, the only people I see wearing hollister anymore are the latino community. I myself am a Mexican American (I don't wear hollister) and whenever I cross the border and see my relatives it's like an explosion of every tween catalog in the mall.

Another thing that grows in popularity because of the sales of its obvious shame-filled treats is the franchise known as Cinnabon. Everyone I see in line for this has the saddest expression of defeat on their face as they waddle forward in the line and accept their fate as a cinnabon enthusiast. When I was walking into one of the stores, I saw a muslim woman eating a cinnabon cinamon roll on a bench with her legs up, enjoying her treat alone. When I approached her from behind, she turned around violently and gave me an expression filled with shame as if I had just caught her jacking off.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Today's New Rule

While walking in front of a male (who has testacles), please refrain from swinging your arms. Believe it or not women, your arms are the perfect distance to lightly tap a man's genitals which proves to be a gargantuan amount of pain.

Monday Movie Review: Scream

Scream 4 is being released in theaters this month (YES) and of course I'm excited. I've always loved the scream trilogy, but I guess it's not a trilogy anymore. Anyways, I re-watched Scream last night and noticed a few things about it that I didn't before because I haven't seen it in so long.

Scream is a slasher flick that used the traditional murderous killer killing horny high school teenagers. Sure! But does the murderer really have to wear the most un-scary mask and costume? This is the cheapest costume i've ever seen in a slasher flick. There's a difference from cheap and scary... Scary is the disgusting skin mask that leatherface wears... Cheap is the shiny polyester wearing killer.

Anyways, the movie stars Neve Campbell (LOL) as Sydney Prescott, the daughter of a woman whose murder was infamously known nationally. Courtney Cox portrays an asshole news reporter that profits off of others misfortune and has a really lame hair cut so basically, she's Nancy Grace. With a gun!

So yeah, the killer begins to call teenagers and makes funny threats that make Drew Barrymore cry.


So yeah, Drew Barrymore dies. Hahahaha... Awh, Drew Barrymore, no wonder you turned to drugs in the nineties. Your hair was ridiculous.

So, then the killer starts to torment Sydney Prescott! Oh boy, here we go! Neve Campbell shows off her scared acting skills in this movie by gasping several times. Seriously, 80% of this movie is Neve Campbell just gasping on the phone and running.

So yeah, The Oscar goes to... NOT HER.
So basically, the killer starts slashing kids and the movie toys around with the basic rules of horror films which I love. It turns out that the killer is who Sidney originally suspected, her boyfriend. Her boyfriend also killed her mother (yikes) and now he wants to kill Sidney because her mom banged his dad and that made his mom leave... Uhh... Let's back up.

So he pre-meditated this whole thing just because his mother left? He killed her mother then a year later after faking an entire relationship, decides to go on a killing spree and murder her? Wouldn't it just be a lot easier to go out and just FIND HIS FUCKING MOM.

OKAY... Clearly he's gone ape shit. So Courtney Cox saves the day and kills Skeet Ulrich... Really? Whatever, but this movie is still a great classic. Written by Wes Craven so you can't pass it up.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Life and Death of Mr. Caterpillar

Okay, so something weird has been happening in my living room for the past week. I noticed it Tuesday when I got up from my blogging to go and use the little boy's room. When I returned, to my surprise, there was a small caterpillar, peculiar in shape, slithering around on my keyboard. Of course, it startled me and instead of killing it, I just flicked it off my keyboard.

Since that day, every time I get up momentarily from my laptop in the living room, Mr. Caterpillar is somewhere on my laptop when I return. Exhibit A:

Ahhh! Frightening right? Right. So this only gives me one conclusion to turn to... Mr. Caterpillar is deeply in love with me. I realized this when he looked at me. He showed me his gleaming little bug eyes that screamed love and torment at the same time. I didn't know how to respond to his awkward affection so I flicked him off once more.

Just this morning I got up to take the trash out and when I returned, low and behold, he came crawling back. But this day was different and I'd had enough of his shenanigans. I sat with him and told him that our love was forbidden and it couldn't be.

"Society isn't ready!" I said.

So I had to take him out of his misery so he could move on to a better world. A better life.

Let's have a moment of silence for Mr. Caterpillar.

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