Friday, July 22, 2011

Timeline of Baby Jonathan in the Music Industry

First off, I should probably say that Baby Jonathan isn't a baby. He's five years old and can form complete sentences, show emotion and demand what pleases him and what doesn't please him in a pretty coherent way. But, for some reason my co-worker continues to refer her niece as 'Baby Jonathan' every time she has some funny story about him.

"Why do you call him Baby Jonathan?" I asked one day. "Don't you think that name will kind of get old?" (no pun intended)

She told me that she's called him Baby Jonathan since he was born and it's just what she refers to him as. This reminded me of other things that people do for so long, that they don't even realize that it stopped making sense years ago. Like jiggling a door key before you enter your house even though you're living in a different house you were in a decade ago, when it was actually necessary to do that.

Then I started thinking... What would a music producer do? He'd make this baby into a STAR! What Baby Jonathan is needing is a bit of consistency! So let's make up some names that Baby Jonathan can transform to throughout his life. It's guaranteed success!

Age 5: Infant Jonathan

This is totally appropriate because he's an infant! Infant Jonathan will be all that and a bag of chips in Japan.

Age 10: Prepubescent Jonathan

His balls haven't dropped but his album is about to! Catch Baby Jonathan's new record "Baby On Board" this Spring!

Age 13: Teenage Jonathan

Hormones are raging, and he's all the rage! Move over Justin Beaver because here comes the new teen heart throb.

Age 20: Sex Addict Jonathan

Oh no! Jonathan got a little too ahead of himself and now he's going to have to join the 12-step program. This means he'll come back next year with a Christian album along with a few religious tattoos. (double standard)

Age 32: Balding Jonathan

Jonathan's beautiful, brunette locks are falling out but that doesn't mean his fans are falling out of love with HIM! He's releasing a Greatest Hits record this Fall and it's sure to be a hit!

Age 45: Mid-life Crisis Jonathan

Awh crap, he's on the ledge.

Age 58: Old-But-Spunky Jonathan

Through all of his epiphanies and torment, he's finally come to terms with who he really is! This is the best Jonathan yet!

Age 65: Inaudible-But-Still-Respected Jonathan

Jonathan has done so much for the music industry! Who cares that his voice sounds like Bob Dylan farting into a tin can! He's still a legend!

Age 70: Drug-Overdose Jonathan

He will always be remembered! ;_;

21 clueless comments:

They all end in drugs :(. Best of luck Baby Jonathan!

just bought his new album
stay strong baby jonathan!

Baby Jonathan will change it all!

A drug overdose at 70? Surprised if this rockstar baby makes it past 27, he's just that hardcore.

Sounds like a damn fine life right there!

Lol nice one, but as a sex addict he will need a viagra phase Jonathan!

This is.. interesting to say the least :p Strange post.

"farting into a tin can"
oh god i lol'd

The last part made me crack up. Excellent post!

he needs, the rehab or divorce scandal jonathan part :(

That amount of rebranding is going to cost a fortune, let’s hope that his career is going to be sustainable, otherwise he will be lucky to afford even aspirin to overdose with, he might end up as starved to Death Jonathan, which is hardly Rock ‘n’ Roll…

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