A Little Piece

Why don't little people get big Hollywood roles?

Movie Cliches

I hope I get hit by a bus.

Culture Shock

Learn why people my age have dirtier thoughts and by dirtier thoughts I am simply just saying that because now you're thinking something filthy.

Monday Movie Review

Go bananas for a movie about bananas.

Sign Spinners

They shake, they waddle, they do everything shitty for a shitty price.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Similarities Between The Lion King and Lost

I'm not one to point the finger and say "HEY THAT GUY IS PLAGIARIZING", and I'm not saying this is a different circumstance. Lost is an incredible show with a mind-blowing plot, but I have noticed some similarities between the epic animated feature film and the cult based sci-fi extravaganza.

Good vs. Evil Allegory

Okay, point numero uno... The whole "good versus evil" schtick symbolized between a bitterness of a blonde haired sibling (good) and a dark haired sibling (evil) which ultimately ends in one the evil one dying off a cliff.

Timon and Pumbaa Paradox Charlie and Hurley

Another thing are the striking similarities between the two relationships, timon/pumbaa and charlie/hurley. An unorthodox friendship between an overweight, shaggy haired brown guy and a skinny blonde with addiction. For Charlie it was heroin and Timon, it was creepy crawlies.

The Hyenas Paradox The Others

The ostracized hyenas from The Lion King bare a vague similarity to the barbarically depicted "Others" of Lost. They wanna be loved too!

The Pretty Ones

Of course every epic tale must have a love interest and with that in check, Kate and Jack are a chromosome away from being Nala and Simba.

Patton Oswalt - Christmas Shoes

If you haven't seen this already, watch it. If you have watched it, then watch it again.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Today's New Rule

When walking in a crowded area, make sure you acknowledge that other humans have feet and on those feet, they also have shoes that can easily be kicked off because of your negligence. Then when they are kicked off, they are left with only one shoe, lost in a crowd of unrelenting robots kicking the loose shoe around the base of the floor like an unwanted fetus.

Worst Decade Ever?

Yeah sure, the 60s fueled the biggest drug explosion in the United States and yeah, the big crash in the 20s ruined millions of lives, with thousands dead but I have points on why 2000 - 2010 was probably the worst decade in American history and why our children will have second hand embarrassment just by reading about our dumb asses in their floating hover-desks reading their hologram text books.

2000 - The birth of Justin Beiber... 'nuff said.

2001 - The nation fell into a batshit crazy, gun-toting, patriotic fuck fest when the attacks of the World Trade Center killed over 3,000 New Yorkers. Everything else that followed was George Bush mouth raping the Constitution.

2002 - The birth of energy drinks brought heart attacks to a whole new generation! Enjoy slurping your neon glowing beverage that is currently molesting your small intestine.

2003 - Harem pants... Why?

2004 - The countless number of times I have embarrassed myself in elevators and restrooms from assholes who say "hello" out loud and expect you to NOT reply because you don't see the INVISIBLE FUCKING HEADSET THEY HAVE ON.

2005 - Hurricane Katrina ravaged probably the most magical/delightful city in the country. So I guess that's God's way of saying "Uhh... can you guys stop acting like idiots, or else I'm taking out Honolulu next..."

2006 - FOX cancellation of Arrested Development which was undoubtedly the most genius comedy that has ever been on television. But, hey thank god American Idol made it!

2007 - The year of the horse-faced, raspy voiced grandma in a little girl's body. Jesus Christ, how did people gobble this shit up and just accept her as their goddess? Hannah Montana is now a multi-million dollar franchise with dozens of 8 year olds running around with pink extensions and an undeserved sense of pride.

2008 - M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening" opened into theaters and was so bad that at least 25% of the audience contracted an STD from the movie. Some got herpes, some walked away easy with the clap, but some unfortunate souls sat through the entire thing and contracted full blown AIDS.

2009 - MTV's Jersey Shore premiered with exponential ratings, a devoted audience of friggin' fans and potentially dropped the Nation's IQ Average by 50 points. The 8 knuckle draggers showed off their meat stained six-packs and orange, fat asses to the world in hopes of receiving fame, and that they did.

Yup, fuck you 2000 - 2010, thanks for ruining my childhood.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Why Snooki Polizzi is the Greatest Thing to Happen to America

Yes, I agree, Snooki is a disgusting, hairy little cave troll that slithered her way out of the grungy depths of the New Jersey sewers and somehow ended her journey in front of MTV's cameras for Jersey Shore. But her orange hue is not all bad! I will tell you why...
When people talk about Snooki or mention Snooki, what kind of reaction is received universally?


Yup, everyone feels just about the same when it comes to the walking cheeto puff. Her bloated face resembles a cabbage patch doll drenched in orange juice, then dunked inside of a tub of luke warm nacho cheese. So, what does the fact that everyone hates Snooki mean?

It means that we have all come together as a nation to have one common goal... Hate Snooki. If one day, aliens come to our planet and begin to vaporize every human of every country, the outcome will be obvious. When all of the leaders of the world see what is happening to all of the countries, we will come together as a united world and defeat the disgusting, green aliens.

Snooki is the alien invading our planet... So everyone pick up your pitchforks and track down the leopard print munchkin that hops and humps around the streets of New Jersey.

Today's New Rule

Next time you have to sneeze, try not to look like you're having a three minute climax. Especially during Economics class.

Guess That Show: 2011

So, there are new summer shows getting ready to premiere on several different channels and honestly I haven't been keeping up with television due to work and school. So, I am going to try my best to guess what these shows are about just by looking at the promotional poster. Let's get started...

Body of Proof - ABC

My best guess is this is clearly a show about a vivacious, red headed necrophiliac.

Chaos - CBS

Four successful young business men that live in New York City and sometimes perform oral sex on one another.

The Nine Lives of Chloe King - ABC Family

Hahaha... what? Okay, I guess this is a show about a cat related to Rodney King.

Falling Skies - TNT

Wow! There's a scruffy guy looking ominously outward and Steven Speilberg is involved! This show is probably about massive golden letters raining upon the earth.

Happy viewing!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Today's New Rule

Before sitting down to lay some lincoln logs in the ol' ceramic mouth, look at the seat to make sure your stupid room mate, Peter, didn't piss ALL over it.

Monday Movie Review: Black Swan

So yeah, I saw Black Swan a while ago and for some reason, Natalie Portman's piercing eyes are still embedded into my head. The movie was good enough, made people in the audience talk and had a lot of symbolic meaning to it (i.e. good versus evil). Also Mila Kunis was balls deep in Natalie Portman's snatch which is also a good thing for the men of the audience who prefet to gawk at boobies then understand a meaning to a film.

So yeah, let's get started... Natalie Portman plays a girl named Nina who, for lack of a better word, is fucking weird. She behaves like a child for the first half of the movie, pushed to be a better dancer by her god-awful stage mom to become the prima ballerina for the production of a ballet held at the New York City Ballet. Also, apparently every ballerina is a stuck up bitch and when you reach a certain age, you are casted off kinda like Logan's Run. Wynona Rider was not happy.

So yeah, SHE'S a mess... As the movie progresses, Natalie Portman's character begins to have hallucinations, a nasty back scratching habit and clearly an eating disorder. She starts to see things like her mother's paintings talking to her and then she just turns into a swan and falls asleep. Uhh... Okay?

Nina gets the part as prima ballerina, has sex with Mila Kunis. On the night of the show, Nina messes up the dance momentarily then, Mila shows up to her dressing room and they just go ape shit on each other. Really, it gets pretty bad. Nina kills her ass with a broken shard of glass then drags her body into the next room and tries to cover it up with towels? hahahahha... Sure.

Next thing ya know, Mila Kunis is out prancing about and Nina doesn't know what to think. On the final scene, she takes her role a little too seriously and kills herself with the shard of glass from the dressing room. Thank God. Also when she dies she says "it was perfect"... Uhhh, no it wasn't. You messed up, remember?

I'm already excited for the sequel.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Well, look who dun goof'd...

Jessi Slaughter, infamously known as the girl tormented by internet bullies, is into even more trouble. It is reported that her father was arrested for punching the 12 year old in the mouth. Police of Marion County reported that the young girl ran next door to her neighbor's home and asked them to help with blood running down her face. Hahahahaha, looks like he never back traced anyone but he sure did back slap.

Here is the video that features both Jessi Slaughter and the father.

Suspender-Rocking Miniature Goldie Hawn Sings About Pee Pee

At what point did it become okay to sing about anything, so long as there is an orchestrated family to sing back up.... Oh yeah, The Brady Bunch.

Today's New Rule

Give a little bit of time before walking behind someone up the stairs. It's uncomfortable having your nose in their ass.

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