Sunday, August 14, 2011

Monday Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes


If there is any animal on this planet that could gain super intelligent abilities and sadistic thoughts, which animal would you think would be the CREEPIEST? Yeah, I also thought a planet run by ostriches would be fucking disturbing but apparently these Hollywood Big-Wigs disagree with me. I went out and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and the only way I can describe it is: very unsettling.

The movie stars James Franco as a, what I'd like to think, a stoner scientist who decides it would be funny to make a monkey super smart so he can give him relationship advice. Well, that plan goes wrong when the monkeys get TOO SMART. I totally made all of that up, but I feel like it would make for great dramatic Romance called Lies of the Planet of the Apes.

So James Franco drags his lines through this movie like an even more baked version of Matthew McConaughey , giving monkeys all these experimental drugs and then BAM a monkey is just smart out of nowhere in the beginning of the movie and shit and he's all like "CHECK MATE GODDAMNIT GIVE ME A BANANA."

Then they shoot the girl monkey (LOL) and it is revealed that her smart, monkey ass had a secret baby. Enter Caesar.


Caesar is a bacherlor on the prowl and loves snuggly blankets as well as milk and Miles Davis. He also loves John Lithgow. Did I mention John Lithgow is in this film? hahaha, he has alzheimers and I feel like every time he said something, there should have been a studio audience laughing at him like a quirky Seinfeld comment.

Well, time progresses and the baby Caesar starts to grow older and smarter and wears pants and stuff. Huh? Okay. He also likes to set people up on dates and because James Franco brings him to a zoo vet, the monkey totally suggests that he should fuck the doctor. I'm guessing that the writers of this show have seen Wilfred on FX.

Then one day Caesar gets pissed at the neighbor and bites off his finger HAHA. Goodbye Caesar, you're going to monkey jail! Seriously, he went to monkey jail which is like a sanctuary where the big dogs like to play. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed this movie but it started to become an off-broadway showing of Dr. Dolittle at times when the monkeys would communicate to each other using sigh language.

Another thing that I noticed was that knowledge to monkeys is like alcohol to us. It makes them really upset and the more they get it, the more they start to resent the world. Hey, I'd resent the world too if I just learned that flinging my shit and humping a bush should be my daily routine and BAM I should just call it a day. For Example:


Fuck, he looks drunk and angry! Well guess what he does now? He rejects James Franco and James Franco is all like 'AWH MONKEY HOW YOU GONNA DO ME LIKE THAT, COME SMOKE WEED WITH ME MAN.'. Hahaha, I swear every expression James Franco gives to the chimp in this movie is a lets-go-get-high-and-play-crash-bandicoot look.

Then he steals the monkey juice and gives it to all the chimps in chimp jail and they all become GENIUSES and what do oppressed genuises want? Revenge! So what's the first order of business? Release Buck! Hahaha, let me back up. Buck is like the Boo Radley of the Ape world, he just sits in a huge cage and rattles back and forth and no one ever talks to him and he never leaves his cage. But he releases the outcast and they all play together blah blah, destroy the humans.

Then Caesar seriously gets powerful and seriously starts being a leader. Haha! Get it! Caesar the Leader! ...Literary types. Anyway, the monkeys get smart and decide "DUDE, hey lets get out of here and split like a banana LOL.
-chimp-out."

Then THIS happens...


APE WARNING: If you are a man and you watch this scene, you'll probably get overly excited and want to break shit everywhere for no reason. Don't break shit. You'll get in trouble.


The monkeys just start going WILD. They go through offices, through galleries, through the streets, in the trollies, through buildings, on top of the fucking GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE and then they start riding... wait for it... horses. Haha, yes a monkey rode a horse and a gorilla jumped into a helicopter and sacrificed himself like it was fucking Die Hard.

I can't put into words how absolutely hilarious and awesome this entire scene is so I'll just let you see it. It's so freeing, and then Caesar and his monkey entourage make it to the woods and live happily ever after. Go see it. I give it five bananas.






50 clueless comments:

To compass such a boundless happiness! Following!

This is a great movie! I completely agree with you :D

The creepiest animal to have intellegence and thoughts would be the donkey!
Did you see that movie Shriek? Scary!

I think I actually want to watch this now

I love that movie, seen already.
+Follow

D'awwwww... Adorable little baby monkey...

Can't wait to see this in the theater!

this movie looks really good, honestly cant wait to see it

Heard nothing but good things about this, will have to give it a watch.

Need to see that movie. Looks good

Saw it, pretty damn true. Probably not gonna be able to write as funny a review xD

I loved this movie! It was amazing and had everything someone would look for in a film. This is definitely winning awards. I actually saw this twice with two different group of friends. The second time i kept it to myself that I had already seen it. I will definitely buy this on blue ray when it comes out.

I'm going to watch this tonight actually. And funny review!

I might go and see this soon, can't wait!

I don't think it will compare to the original films.

"APE WARNING: If you are a man and you watch this scene, you'll probably get overly excited and want to break shit everywhere for no reason. Don't break shit. You'll get in trouble"

LMAO!!! Duly noted!

I guess it's time to haul my butt to the theatres.

Great review, would have otherwise not bothered with the movie at all.

I though squirrels. They're like tree climbing rats. That doesn't fear humans. God those things freak me out.

Seeing this at the cinema on Wednesday. YAY!!

And now after reading this, I can't wait. YAY!!

Wait Caesar doesn't get assassinated? Way to fuck with my expectations.

Ive been waiting on this damn sequel prequel for 8 years! ITS ABOUT DAMN TIME, thing looks amazing. will be going to watch it soon, ill take your 5 banana rating as a good thing.

Good Review, plan on going to see this movie now!

Funny review, definitely wanna see this now.

Hah, That was pretty funny man.

I love the older Planet of the Apes. I love any movie that urges me to subconsciously break shit.

i Will watch this just to see an ape piloting a helicopter

Well I was planning to check it out, though my expectations aint that high. Good review, anyways mate!

I can't wait until this movie comes out in Italy. nice review though :)

Any movie with John Lithgow is always worth a watch

Nice review, hahha. I approve of your style.

That's hilarious stuff. I might see it if I feel like drinking.

Thanks for describing/spoiling the entire plot. Good thing i've already watched this gem. Great post, followed.

i saw the trailer and i want go to see it.
looks a great movie
nice post

I've seen the originals and I feel they did justice

give me a baseball bat... theres the pitch and caesar has left the ballpark :) :)

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