Monday Movie Review: Catwoman

This is gonna be fun. You know why? Because Catwoman is so bad that it's good. It's almost as if the writers fully intended for their audience to laugh hysterically. Catwoman is just one big sad hour and forty minute long failure of cinema. Let's say the movie industry was a Mom and this movie was its child. Well, this child thought it was a good idea to try meth and now he fucked up his whole life and just made his mom really sad. Alright, so let's get started.

The movie starts off with Halle Berry as a dorky artist that works as an advertising agency and gets bullied A LOT by her boss. Seriously, if there was an award given out for bullies, her boss would take home the Oscar Bully Award for Best Supporting Bully. So as the movie progresses, Halle Berry's character is basically Ugly Betty.

LOL, anyway... Halle Berry's nerd character dies... but wait! A kitty saves her! But not just any kitty... A MAGICAL KITTY THAT MAKES YOU ACT like a cat? Oh ok. Hahaha, then Halle Berry wakes up from her death and runs back to her apartment looking like Whitney Houston after a weekend crack binge. Oh, the shame Halle!

Then she starts to realize she's got cat like reflexes! Awesome! But wait... not only does she gain the abilities of a cat but she ACTS like a cat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She wakes up the next morning on top of her fucking kitchen cabinet. This is where the movie went seriously wrong. Just because Spiderman got bit by a spider doesn't mean he should go around town tying up his food and pooping out spider webs. You've got to make it seem cool!

And who thought it was a good idea to have cat-like abilities as a superhero? Whoever thought of this superpower HAD to have been high. No one sober would look at a cat and say "hey ya know what? I want to fight crime like that guy." I always found it strange that all women superheros have shitty powers. Really Wonder Woman? Your super power is to tie people up and force them to tell the truth? Whatever...

The next day she goes to an old woman's house and the woman throws cat nip in her face (LOL). Then Halle actually wants it! Bahahahahah, then as she walks away she tries to stop herself. Listen to Nancy Reagan, Halle Berry! Just say no! Then she goes to work and back talks her boss because apparently cats do that? Cats hate bosses! Maybe Catwoman would prefer this guy as her boss?

Then she starts to realize what kind of powers she has. Ahhh! I'm a cat! That must've been what she was thinking... Then she finally uses her powers for good. Well, not really... she uses them on her neighbors who won't turn down the music. Haha, really? This movie title should be changed from Catwoman to "Frigid Bitch Who Acts Like A Cat". First order of business as a superhero: TURN DOWN THAT RUCKUS.

Then she decides to stop a couple of robbers she just happened to see robbing this jewelry store? Okay haha. At one point while she's "beating up" these two guys, she says "purrrfect" and I literally lost it. I had to lie down and have a good laugh/cry at this. Then, as the movie progresses she starts to fight crime and people start to title her as catwoman and her detective boyfriend even SEES HER dressed up like catwoman and doesn't recognize her. Seriously? I don't know about you guys but if I've been fucking someone, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to recognize them behind a sixty cent Halloween mask.

Also apparently cats are sluts? Haha, every time she dresses like that dominatrix, she turns into the biggest whore on this side of the Mississippi. Or should I say... Meowsissisppi. Cat-ified! Catslut.

[insert dirty furry picture]

Well, then Catwoman gets arrested because she gets framed for murder. Haha, what? This is another thing that the writers did wrong... If you're a superhero and you're sitting in jail, it's time to close the comic book because I no longer have respect for you because you GOT CAUGHT. But then Halle realizes she can slip through the bars. Hahaha, but when she does it the bars have ENORMOUS gaps between them. Who the fuck designs jail cells like that? Stevie Wonder, that's who.

Then Catwoman has THE MOST unexciting fight scene with Sharon Stone and boom the movie is over and she walks away with her whip. Haha, sigh of relief.

Posted in: Catwoman,Horrible,Monday Movie Review