Tropical Storm Don

Grab your lanterns and your pitchforks because a storm is a-brewin' in the Gulf! Tropical Storm Don is the first storm of the hurricane season to penetrate the mouth of Texas with all its glory and you know what that means. Hilarious and ridiculous news reports. Hahaha, people are treating this thing like it's fucking Hurricane Katrina. If anything,...

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Hipster Babies

For the first time in my life, I walked into a Babies "R" Us and boy what an experience that was. First off, what the hell does the phrase '"R" us' mean anyway? I'm guessing that it's implying that there's always going to be a little piece of being a baby inside of all of us. Uhh... if there is a grown man walking down the street with a binky in...

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My Sexy Eye Doctor

Well, I went to the eye doctor yesterday and honestly I felt a little bit uncomfortable. Every time I go and see my optometrist, I always feel like he's coming onto me. Especially when he closes the door behind him and dims the lights. Sure, he has to dim them in order to get an effective reading of my retnas but why does he have to get so close...

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My 9th Grade "Love Letter"

When I was in 9th grade I had a weird sense of humor. Scratch that... I had a fucking bizarre sense of humor which included a lot of sexually explicit, religious-themed jokes. Honestly when I look back at the shit I said, I think it's pretty goddamn hilarious. But today a friend of mine who I went to High School with forwarded me a picture of a joke...

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Chuck E. Cheese: A Night in Hell

Well, I went to my little cousin's birthday party this weekend and unfortunately his parents thought it would be fun to have it at Chuck E. Cheese. I guess it's understandable why a parent would find this place to be an ideal place to celebrate your child's birthday but seriously you guys... It's not. First off, I have to ask the question as to...

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Timeline of Baby Jonathan in the Music Industry

First off, I should probably say that Baby Jonathan isn't a baby. He's five years old and can form complete sentences, show emotion and demand what pleases him and what doesn't please him in a pretty coherent way. But, for some reason my co-worker continues to refer her niece as 'Baby Jonathan' every time she has some funny story about him. "Why...

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Men's Restroom Etiquette Class

Come gather, young etiquette and manners enthusiasts and bring your cups of tea along with you! Because today, I'm going to give you all a lesson in restroom etiquette. What? Huh? Yeah, that's right, I said restroom bitch tits. I'm not here to tell you tuck in your napkin or say 'please' and 'thank you'. All I ask is you take away a sense of not...

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Night of the Living Cockroaches

Roaches. Little pieces of shit with legs and antennas. Last night I set my head down to go to sleep, trying to avoid the rumbling train that always seems to wake me up in the middle of the night and there in front of my fucking face was one of the worst psychotic experiments God ever put on this Earth. I seriously think God got drunk one night with...

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Things that exist for no reason

There are a lot of excess luxuries floating around in this world we call America and I think we take advantage of every single one of them. "Huh? What's this? A bottle of oil? I'm sure this goes into my car with NO outside influence!" WRONG... I think we should all take a brazen look at our society and ask - "Is this really necessary?" Cops on horses What...

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What I Learned in Las Vegas

Hi guys! Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been on vacation. (yes, I know that blogging is not a real job and it doesn't deserve a vacation but I'm tired and writing all these stories is actually semi-exhausting. Hey, at least I'm not a cole miner.) I went to Las Vegas, Nevada. The city of lost and tormented souls and oh boy did I learn a lot...

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