Midget Redemption

I feel really bad for midgets. I hate making jokes about midgets because I always feel like shit afterward just because I know they are the but of everyone's joke and they really get the short end of the stick.

Not cool. Whenever I see little people on television or in films, I always notice (no pun intended) that they get really small roles and in these roles, its typically mandatory for them to dress up in some sort of embarrassing costume that has to do with their height like oompa-loompas or trolls from Harry Potter.

Honestly, I think it would be really fun to go drive out to Hollywood and post a Casting Call on Craigslist for 'Respectable Film Roll for Little Person Wanted'. Then just kind of wait around for the millions of midget head-shots I would get via E-Mail. And you know what? I would set up an interview with every single one of the little mother fuckers. I'd even bang out a legit script, something lifetimey, probably a film about a little girl with cancer and her Hospital room mate is a little person with dimentia.

Then I would give each of them a respectable amount of time to read the script to me with intensity and ingenuity and I would totally lead all of them on to believe that I would be calling them back for a second audition. Of course I'm not a casting director and of course the adventures of little cancer Susy and confused Mike will never be seen on network television but at least I can go to bed at night knowing I made a couple hundred tiny actors feel respected.

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Movie Cliches Have Ruined My Life

There are certain things that I can't do and things that I can't let other people do because I see these events unfold in movies and I'm always expecting it to have the same outcome. For example! Do not walk backwards into a street or I promise you I will shit my pantaloons. When someone walks backwards into a street, I fully expect a double-decker London bus to come slamming into them out of fucking nowhere.

Another example is I can never open my medicine cabinet, then close it without looking behind me. If I do this, I expect a murderous clown will appear behind me in the reflection wielding a bloody knife. Yeah, if I don't turn around that's exactly what will happen. But Jesus on a popsicle, I can't stop there. I have an endless list of shit that I've seen written into films so many times, I expect them to be an actual part of life.

I was bitterly disappointed when my first kiss wasn't met with a kick of the leg, but instead an awkward mess. I also expected every pregnant woman EVERYWHERE to have their water break when they were about to go into labor. Did you guys know that that rarely even happens? Goddamn you cinema for trashing society. Goddamn you.

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Culture Shock

I guess this is more of a follow up blog on something that I wrote about last week, but it's still bothering me how different this generation is compared to previous ones and I think it's because we've been exposed to more freaky shit. Do you remember what the WORST thing you ever saw was before the internet came around? Probably weird poop or a dead dog.

I was exposed to two girls one cup at the age of FIFTEEN. The most shocking thing ever done by humans since the gestapo threw Jew babies to the dogs was shown to me after being on this planet for fifteen years along with several other images that should never be seen by anyone. Any imaginable horror is now available online and everyone using the computer is young as fuck.

Ok, now think about what the most shocking thing your grandparents have ever seen. Honestly, probably too many dishes in the sink or saggy tits. Do you remember how old you were when you first saw a boob? Probably like ten right? Maybe you were a little eager and managed to see one at eight, but NOW imagine how old your grandfather was when he first saw a tit...

The first tit your grandfather saw was probably an ACTUAL tit and now there are all these four year olds walking around with their iPhones and they can literally - between breaths - look at a tit with little to no effort. All they have to do is move their thumbs four times slightly. T - I - T - SEARCH... "Oh, cool a boob. I'm gonna go back to playing Fruit Ninja."

Before the internet, kids would tell each other happy birthday by buying a card and giving them a friendly punch or something but now I guess the cool and funny thing to do is show them the most horrifying picture that could be possibly conjured up. Or even worse, a childhood icon transposed into filth like maybe a picture of Goofy's dick or Winnie the Pooh getting rimmed by Eor.


My cousin was beside me and he is 13 years old and said "haha look at this" and showed me a picture of two naked old ladies making out. I stared shocked and he just started laughing then continued to show me more things that were burned into my brain.

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Why I love COPS

 Uhh... I should probably clarify. I don't necissarily LOVE cops, I love COPS the television show although I'm sure cops are really nice guys. Their mothers are lovely. Cops is probably the only reason I don't kill myself from boredom on weekday afternoons. Also, that right there should tell you the type of audience COPS is trying to entertain. People who are home at the middle of the day... let's see, that would be old people, unemployed drop outs, unemployed in general and of course babies! The advertising for the show says it all, it's a complete montage of Pampers, Depends and Rehab Facility commercials. Moving on!

Every person on this show has broken the law. Wanna know how I know? Here's a hint, if they didn't do anything illegal, then they wouldn't be on television. Who wants to see someone get pulled over then let off with a warning? No one. So when a cop pulls someone over on COPS the television show, don't ever have a shadow of a doubt that someone in that car is getting arrested. That's what makes the show so fun and that's when I play GUESS THAT CRIME.

GUESS THAT CRIME is a game I play with no one because nobody else I know understands the true comedy of COPS. I don't understand why this show isn't held in such high critical regards like that of Seinfeld or Arrested Development. When they announce the Emmys they should always announce COPS in the Outstanding Comedy Series category and Jimbo the toothless junkie as Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

Basically I try to guess what the person has done based on how nervous they are and how they react to certain questions. There is an entire ARRAY of factors that play into the game as well including race, neighborhood, assholery of the cop, whether not the perp has teeth, crossdressing and my FAVORITE: the fucking liars. If they look away after a question or act completely SURPRISED when a cop finds weed in their pocket, they are the lucky winner of the Daily Fucking Liar points. Congrats, you get a bonus question! It's an infinite process that goes on in my head and no one ever wins.

But my favorite episodes, absolute FUCKING FAVORITE all time episodes are the ones that are always in Las Vegas. Dear God, you know why I love Las Vegas episodes of COPS? Because shit like this happens.

Yup! Joy in my life. These criminals are a different brand of criminals, fuck they're a different species, just because they make a career out of crime and decide to not learn about anything else at all ever. Haha. Las Vegas criminals are like the caviar of the crime world. It's not not that they're classy, it's that they are so GREAT and you know what every Vegas criminal has? A black girl in the passenger seat with cocaine in her purse. I swear Vegas criminals get more black girls wet than Hurricane Katrina.

And good night! Also, some of you may notice I've changed my blog a bit. Be sure to like this on Facebook on the top right of the home page so all your other friends can get depressed.

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Monday Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

If there is any animal on this planet that could gain super intelligent abilities and sadistic thoughts, which animal would you think would be the CREEPIEST? Yeah, I also thought a planet run by ostriches would be fucking disturbing but apparently these Hollywood Big-Wigs disagree with me. I went out and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and the only way I can describe it is: very unsettling.

The movie stars James Franco as a, what I'd like to think, a stoner scientist who decides it would be funny to make a monkey super smart so he can give him relationship advice. Well, that plan goes wrong when the monkeys get TOO SMART. I totally made all of that up, but I feel like it would make for great dramatic Romance called Lies of the Planet of the Apes.

So James Franco drags his lines through this movie like an even more baked version of Matthew McConaughey , giving monkeys all these experimental drugs and then BAM a monkey is just smart out of nowhere in the beginning of the movie and shit and he's all like "CHECK MATE GODDAMNIT GIVE ME A BANANA."

Then they shoot the girl monkey (LOL) and it is revealed that her smart, monkey ass had a secret baby. Enter Caesar.

Caesar is a bacherlor on the prowl and loves snuggly blankets as well as milk and Miles Davis. He also loves John Lithgow. Did I mention John Lithgow is in this film? hahaha, he has alzheimers and I feel like every time he said something, there should have been a studio audience laughing at him like a quirky Seinfeld comment.

Well, time progresses and the baby Caesar starts to grow older and smarter and wears pants and stuff. Huh? Okay. He also likes to set people up on dates and because James Franco brings him to a zoo vet, the monkey totally suggests that he should fuck the doctor. I'm guessing that the writers of this show have seen Wilfred on FX.

Then one day Caesar gets pissed at the neighbor and bites off his finger HAHA. Goodbye Caesar, you're going to monkey jail! Seriously, he went to monkey jail which is like a sanctuary where the big dogs like to play. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed this movie but it started to become an off-broadway showing of Dr. Dolittle at times when the monkeys would communicate to each other using sigh language.

Another thing that I noticed was that knowledge to monkeys is like alcohol to us. It makes them really upset and the more they get it, the more they start to resent the world. Hey, I'd resent the world too if I just learned that flinging my shit and humping a bush should be my daily routine and BAM I should just call it a day. For Example:

Fuck, he looks drunk and angry! Well guess what he does now? He rejects James Franco and James Franco is all like 'AWH MONKEY HOW YOU GONNA DO ME LIKE THAT, COME SMOKE WEED WITH ME MAN.'. Hahaha, I swear every expression James Franco gives to the chimp in this movie is a lets-go-get-high-and-play-crash-bandicoot look.

Then he steals the monkey juice and gives it to all the chimps in chimp jail and they all become GENIUSES and what do oppressed genuises want? Revenge! So what's the first order of business? Release Buck! Hahaha, let me back up. Buck is like the Boo Radley of the Ape world, he just sits in a huge cage and rattles back and forth and no one ever talks to him and he never leaves his cage. But he releases the outcast and they all play together blah blah, destroy the humans.

Then Caesar seriously gets powerful and seriously starts being a leader. Haha! Get it! Caesar the Leader! ...Literary types. Anyway, the monkeys get smart and decide "DUDE, hey lets get out of here and split like a banana LOL.

-chimp-out."

Then THIS happens...

APE WARNING: If you are a man and you watch this scene, you'll probably get overly excited and want to break shit everywhere for no reason. Don't break shit. You'll get in trouble.

The monkeys just start going WILD. They go through offices, through galleries, through the streets, in the trollies, through buildings, on top of the fucking GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE and then they start riding... wait for it... horses. Haha, yes a monkey rode a horse and a gorilla jumped into a helicopter and sacrificed himself like it was fucking Die Hard.

I can't put into words how absolutely hilarious and awesome this entire scene is so I'll just let you see it. It's so freeing, and then Caesar and his monkey entourage make it to the woods and live happily ever after. Go see it. I give it five bananas.

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Sign Spinners

Lately I've been noticing an influx of sign spinners which is basically a mediocre, hourly job that can be found on any city's Craigslist classifieds. The job entails a person of no talent to take a large sign and guide people into a new business, new homes or anything that may be attractive to a gigantic arrow.

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving home from work and noticed that the road was blocked because of a three-car collision. Now, I'm not one to point fingers (or in this case, a giant arrow) but I firmly believe that the culprit behind the accident was a teenage kid, distracting traffic with his big ol' sign spinning skills that lured people into a fabulous new yoga joint.

What was even funnier was that as the cars were being pried away from each other, and the crunching of metal was screeching into the air, the kid was STILL standing on the corner spinning that sign. Hahahaha, kudos. But, what's even sadder than a person spinning a sign in 102 degree weather is watching someone spin a sign unenthusiastically in 102 degree weather.

If someone even had a FIBER of a thought to actually be persuaded into following the sign, then why would the determining factor be the eat-my-shit attitude excreting from the pores of some poor junkie. Those sign spinners need to OWN their craft and show those cars whose boss. No one likes a bummer. If I want to follow that sign, I'd better see some karate moves or some shit or break dancing and fantastical flame throwing while balancing on a midget's dick.

There is a guy I always pass who waves around a sign and I swear to God he does his job like he's the king of fucking England. He seriously believes the greatest business of all time is SELL YOUR GOLD NOW and dances with that sign 24/7 like it's his religion. God bless you, Chinese man selling gold. God bless you.

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Indie Movies Suck

Sure some independent films are brilliant like Pulp Fiction, American History X, Leon, etc... But the 'good' films only take up about 5% of the independent film collection. The reason these films are so well known is because they were filtered through all of the other indie films which SUCK MASSIVE ASS.

At one point did it become 'edgy' and 'cool' to choose from ridiculous angles and story lines that don't even make sense. If I hear one more person say Garden State is the greatest movie ever made, I'm going to shit out an Iron & Wine album out of pure, concentrated indie rage. Seriously, this scene always makes me want to shoot myself in the face

"you gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life. I swear"

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Shutup Natalie Portman, go dance ballet or something.

I guess people suggest that independent films are better because the same can be said about music which is actually true most of the time. In my opinion and most people's opinion, independent music rules supreme in quality despite the fact that musical groups like Brokencyde, Lady GaGa and Usher rule supreme in the industry.

Just because these musical acts rule the airwaves doesn't mean they are the best HOWEVER, the same can not be said about movies. Movies need staff, writers, cameras and overall a GOOD BUDGET.

Just because there is a sad clown crying and contemplating on his life's regrets in a black and white movie while some naked French girl dances in the background with balloons tied to her neck DOESN'T MAKE IT A GOOD MOVIE. I'm tired of these 'too deep for you' bullshit that keeps getting portrayed in crappy indie movies. Get a budget and an original thought, guys and stop mooching off your parent's trust funds for your film school.

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