How The Earth Will End on Saturday

As many of you all know, the world is ending on Saturday and boy it couldn't have come at a better time! Reality television has gone rampant, plague and famine is running as prevolent as ever and gas prices literally cost me my ass. I go to the cashier and I bend over, letting him pound me in return of the warm liquid (speaking of the gas of course).

So what do you need to know when the rapture comes? Well, for one thing, don't get 'the rapture' confused with 'the raptor' from Jurassic Park. Dinosaurs are extinct and they will not come after us, so fear not! That is... unless Raptor Jesus blesses us.

Anyways, so let's say the big day comes and goes and you're still here! Oh crap, your eternal sins have caught up with you! Should've listened to Father McAndrews and just drunken the wine and gotten on your knees. Stupid Jimmy just had to go to the cops... Moving on!

So, the rapture comes and you're still eating Garden Salsa flavored Sun Chips on your couch. Well, beware the future demons, monsters and ghouls that will dwell upon the earth for six months, torturing you and your family before your eyes! Don't ask me how I know this (I work for the CIA) but I have retrieved some of the classified documents faxed from Hell, stating the future plans of Earth's demise.

Day 1: All the bodies will rise from the grave, feasting upon babies and tormenting small animals with their outgrown, beastly claws.

Day 3: Birds will fall from the sky, vomiting out copies of Glitter. EVERYONE MUST WATCH IT FOR FIVE DAYS ON A LOOP.

Day 8: Mutant sea creatures will awaken from the fiery depths beneath the Earth's inner crust, breathing fire and reciting the lyrics to every Avril Lavigne song in a Christopher Walken impression.

Day 30: Twenty foot tall giants with the skin of alligators will throw heated spikes down at the velocity of sound, cutting deep into every human's flesh as Lady Gaga performs a duet with Gilbert Godfreid.

Day 90: An enormous old woman with a coin purse will stand in front of you for ten days, looking for exact change.

The Final Day: All humans will be put out of their misery and be bludgoned to death by having sex with Snooki until their penis falls off and bleeds. Women will have to have sex with Gary Busey.

Happy survivals!

Posted in: Annoying Celebrities,Apocalypse,Bropocalypse