My Friend's TV is an Asshole

I got high last night at my friend's Bar-B-Q and as the night dwindled away and the stars collapsed into the sky, we decided to watch TV. Here's the thing about my friend... he's still living in the 90s. He still has a house phone WITH a cord attached to the wall, still has AC units instead of central air, still has an antenna for his TV and above all, he still listens to Nirvana religiously.

As we sat in front of his TV, sweating balls from the Texas heat that wasn't being disguised by the cheap AC unit that dripped so consistently outside, we started to watch TV. I don't remember what the program was or what its relevance was to the night but all that I know is that it was a sitcom with a whole lot of punchlines.

Here's the thing... Everytime there was a punchline, the TV would cut out right away and we'd be left clueless masqueraded over with a studio audience laughter and applause.

What? WHAT THE FUCK DID RAY RAMONO SAY THAT WAS SO FUNNY... Fuck you Taylor's TV and your sadistic sense of humor, I hope you burn in hell. Oh! I just remembered, we were watching Everybody Loves Raymond. Classic. Leave it to strong emotions to bring back stronger memories.

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The Economic Relationship Between America and China Summarized by This Little Girl

Yup, this is pretty much it...

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Weird Extreme Home Makeover Requests

So, if for some reason I lose all of my legs, get my hair singed off and receive a ridiculous amount of burns all over my face, blinding me and turning me retarded, then I'll be the luckiest guy on Earth! You know why? Because I just got a free EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHH..... FREE SINKS GODDAMNIT.

Haha, I was thinking about how I would react if I did in fact receive an extreme home make over from that douche bag team, and how I would react. Honestly, I don't care if I had a flat screen, a massive bed and a five person jacuzzi inside of my living room. All I need is my laptop, iphone and a little bit of inspiration (weed).

So, moving on from that, I would probably react strangely and then I wondered how lunatics would react to winning such an extravagant gift.

Extreme Makeover Douche-bag: CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU WON AN EXTREME... HOME... MAKEOVER!!! COME OUTSIDE AND HUG ME.

Lunatic: Hello.

Extreme Makeover Douche-bag: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO, GIVE ME A HUG.

Lunatic: I want a rape room.

Extreme Makeover Douche-bag: What?

Lunatic: When you fellas build my new house... I want a rape room.

Extreme Makeover Douche-bag: I- I'm sorry sir, but what is a rape room?

Lunatic: ARE YA DEAF... I need a room to hang women and rape their mouths. Ain't ya heard of a rape room? Damn city boys.

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How The Earth Will End on Saturday

As many of you all know, the world is ending on Saturday and boy it couldn't have come at a better time! Reality television has gone rampant, plague and famine is running as prevolent as ever and gas prices literally cost me my ass. I go to the cashier and I bend over, letting him pound me in return of the warm liquid (speaking of the gas of course).

So what do you need to know when the rapture comes? Well, for one thing, don't get 'the rapture' confused with 'the raptor' from Jurassic Park. Dinosaurs are extinct and they will not come after us, so fear not! That is... unless Raptor Jesus blesses us.

Anyways, so let's say the big day comes and goes and you're still here! Oh crap, your eternal sins have caught up with you! Should've listened to Father McAndrews and just drunken the wine and gotten on your knees. Stupid Jimmy just had to go to the cops... Moving on!

So, the rapture comes and you're still eating Garden Salsa flavored Sun Chips on your couch. Well, beware the future demons, monsters and ghouls that will dwell upon the earth for six months, torturing you and your family before your eyes! Don't ask me how I know this (I work for the CIA) but I have retrieved some of the classified documents faxed from Hell, stating the future plans of Earth's demise.

Day 1: All the bodies will rise from the grave, feasting upon babies and tormenting small animals with their outgrown, beastly claws.

Day 3: Birds will fall from the sky, vomiting out copies of Glitter. EVERYONE MUST WATCH IT FOR FIVE DAYS ON A LOOP.

Day 8: Mutant sea creatures will awaken from the fiery depths beneath the Earth's inner crust, breathing fire and reciting the lyrics to every Avril Lavigne song in a Christopher Walken impression.

Day 30: Twenty foot tall giants with the skin of alligators will throw heated spikes down at the velocity of sound, cutting deep into every human's flesh as Lady Gaga performs a duet with Gilbert Godfreid.

Day 90: An enormous old woman with a coin purse will stand in front of you for ten days, looking for exact change.

The Final Day: All humans will be put out of their misery and be bludgoned to death by having sex with Snooki until their penis falls off and bleeds. Women will have to have sex with Gary Busey.

Happy survivals!

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Every Second Counts

My mind wanders while I drive to school in the morning in a haze of slight swerves and unexpected nods so often that it seems like a daily ritual. This morning I woke up a few minutes early (two) in order to be more alert while driving so I could actually enjoy the rest of my life and not have to feel the sacrificial torment of running over a child as I sit in my jail cell.

As I drove to school, I saw a girl walking two pit bulls and she couldn't have looked more bored. She was almost sleep walking as the two muscular dogs guided her lifeless torso around like some kind of movie trailer for a cheap rip-off of Weekend At Bernie's. As the girl was being puppeteered down the sidewalk, her two dogs began to fight each other abruptly. They bit one another's neck and started to roll around in the grass, awakening the comatose woman. She clearlly didn't understand what was going on or how to stop the dogs so she basically tried to maintain the situation, not allowing it to get any worse.

The dogs then began to spin in circles around the girl as she held on with desparation, twisting around in the same spot like a child's spinning top. This all happened in the span of thirty seconds and I just had a blank face forward then I started to laugh so hard, I cried on my steering wheel. I'm very glad I woke up two minutes early.

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Monday Movie Review - Bridesmaids

I saw a current movie, yay! So I saw Bridesmaids this weekend and the first thing I want to point out is if you enjoy cackling 'girlfriends' behind you, go see this movie! Seriously, it was the most absolutely annoying audience ever. It's like everyone got the women of The View and multiplied them by fifty so they could fill a theater so with that said, men, stay away from watching this movie in theaters.

This movie was the big writing debut for the effing hilarious Kristen Wiig and her friend who I don't know. The movie had some moments which I found hilarious don't get me wrong, but there were just a few things that bothered me about it. Let's get started.

So, Kristen plays Annie, who is a down-on-her-luck single with Jon Hamm from Mad Men playing her asshole fuck buddy, HAHA. Maya Rudolph was also great and she plays Lillian, the woman getting married. When I was getting into this, I assumed it was going to be a girl version of The Hangover but it actually took a pretty hard right turn into creating a disgusting portrayal of funny women.

I get that women can be funny, but I don't think the most forward thing you guys can do to be funny is shit and piss and vomit all over each other. But I will admit, I was crying hysterically when Maya Rudolph tried to cross the street in her wedding dress and ended up not making it to the bathroom, so she shat in her dress. Yup!

Here's one thing that bothered me about the film...

WHY IS THIS WOMAN GETTING WORK... Seriously, she's the least funny person I've ever seen yet I always see her in comedic performances including The Office. She sucks Hollywood, get rid of her and tear her dreams apart.

Also, the other only thing that bugs me about this movie is how absolutely sad Kristen Wiig's character is in the movie. She had a bakery, lost it because of the recession, boyfriend left her, room mates kicked her out, best friend hates her and she is forced to move back in with her Mom. At this point, every time she does something funny, the audience is giving her a laugh followed by 'awhhhh'. Pity laughs aren't laughs!

Then there was this chick...

At first I thought they were trying to write in their own female version of Zach Galifianakis, and honestly that's pretty much what she was minus the quirky remarks and plus more farting. She was really funny and had a lot of good moments like the whole 'Air Marshall' scene and the hilarious sex tape at the end *SPOILER ALERT* she sucks a guys dick through a sandwich. Haha, yup! The one thing I absolutely love about her character is how she didn't have to rely on physical comedy to get laughs. Good on ya!

But moving on from those slight blemishes, the movie was totally hilarious. I give it FIVE OUT OF FIVE VAGINAS! GO WOMEN!

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Famous Movie Quotes - Killer Robot Edition

Here, I will conduct a test in the robotic form. All movie quotes must be translated into a murderous robot language immediately and sufficiently. 3, 2, 1... BEGIN TRANSLATOR

WRONG TRANSLATOR... GOOD ENOUGH.

Original: "Frankly My Dear, I don't give a damn." (Gone With The Wind - 1939)

Robo-Translator: "Frankly My Unit, I cannot distribute a damn."



Original: "Bond. James Bond." (Dr. No - 1972)

Robo-Translator: "Bot. James Bot."



Original: "It's Alive! It's Alive" (Frankenstein - 1931)

Robo-Translator: "It computes! It computes!"



Original: "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti." (The Silence of the Lambs - 1991)

Robo-Translator: "A humanoid once tried to test me. I vaporized his liver with fava beans and a nice laser."




Original: "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather - 1972)

Robo Translator: "I'm going to propose a subject that cannot be declined... OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES, ERROR, ERROR, ERROR..."




Original: "You had me at hello." (Jerry Maguire - 1996)

Robo-Translator: "You had me at *mac sound*."

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Top 5 Ridiculous Products on Amazon

I do alot of my shopping on Amazon because I'm cheap and willing to wait three business days rather than spend that extra ten cents I know I will eventually spend on a burrito at Taco Bell over an accumulated amount of time. 89 cents, here I come!

I've been noticing lately that Amazon has everything... Literally everything you could think of and they even have stuff that you WOULDN'T think of. Here is a list of products I found both unappealing and pretty funny.

Number 5. Dancing Ferret Ornaments

No, it's not an animated ornament and it doesn't make any special noises when you walk by it. It's just a 12 dollar plastic ornament with a picture of a ferret "dancing".



4. Gangly Giraffe Drinks from a Waterhole with Stretched Side Bent Legs Stretched Canvas Poster Print by Jason Edwards

Haha, I swear I'm not making this one up. That's actually the complete title of the product, LOOK IT UP. It's also a modest 149 dollars.



3. Matt & Dana Pickled Pigs Feet - 1/2 Gallon

If you're buying food on Amazon, then you might as well declare that you've gone as far in life as you're willing to go. If you're ordering pig's feet on Amazon... Well, then I just don't know what to tell you.



2. The Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Handbook - Everything you need to know about Snooki [Kindle Edition]

I guess I can understand the certain uprising in absolute morons "writing" books, novels, memoirs and other short stories I could give two shits about but why... WHY would someone spend any of their time writing ABOUT someone famous... And it's not even a famous person, it's someone infamous for dry humping any swollen, orange object in eye's proximity. America, I salute you.

1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

Finally! A reliable tank company!

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Monday Movie Review: Rabbit Hole

So I saw another movie... It was purely 'meh'. Rabbit Hole explores the complicated relationship between a wife (Nicole Kidman) and a husband (Aaron Eckhart) whose child tragically died... LOL

Not only did their child die, but he dies in the most cliche way possible.

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET THE GATE OPEN" Hahahaha, funniest quote in a dogs age. So yeah, first off I guess I should comment on Nicole Kidman's face or at least what's left of it. Her face is pretty much frozen in 1998 which makes basically every expression she gives in this movie irrelevant. Honestly, I don't know how the hell her Australian ass got nominated for this flick. Nicole Kidman, would you like to comment?

AAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Take it away, take it away! That's basically how I felt the whole movie every time she appeared on the screen.

So in the movie, Nicole Kidman starts to follow this teenage kid which lead me to believe that she had a fetish for comic book nerd/MILF scenarios but it just turns out that she's following the kid that ran over her child. OH! TOTALLY NORMAL! Seriously, the movie was pretty good at first but then it just took a hard left turn into what-the-fuck-ville. Nicole Kidman sure does love her kid killers.

Oh! I totally forgot to mention, we get to see the Asian chick from Grey's Anatomy get high with Two Face from Batman! It was hilarious and they totally laughed at this fat guy whose daughter died from leukhemia. HAHA! CHUBBY MISSES HIS DAUGHTER! Boy, was that a riot.

Assholes. Haha.

Also, I'm getting really sick of the "reasonable but pessimistic mom" character. It's pretty much every character on tv and film now. I get it women, YOU'RE PROGRESSING IN SOCIETY. Now stop showing off your awesome boobs in pant suits and move on with your lives. Here's a list of characters EXACTLY like Nicole Kidman's character in Rabbit Hole, i.e. a distraught mom who is both strong yet flawed.

- Every woman from Desperate Housewives.
- Nancy Botwin from Weeds.
- Patty Hewes from Damages.
- Kate from Lost.
- Nurse Jackie from Nurse Jackie.
- Carmela Soprano from The Sopranos.
- Oprah Winfrey of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
- That one lady from that one show where she has cancer and turns her life around. (The show is so shitty that I can't even remember the name of it).

You guys get the point, be creative Hollywood and stop dishing out these sad eyed moms on my television!

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Music Festival Gurus

So, Summer is coming up and you know what that means! Festival Season! The annual gathering of the filthy, pig-smelling, acid-dropping, public-sex-having, absolutely-too-cool hipsters is eminent and I totally love every second of it. I live in Houston and so far the biggest festival we have is Summerfest and this is the third year our city has had it.

My brother volunteered to help set up stage and he had quite a few stories to tell me. He said that at orientation he met a lot of interesting people and a lot of lunatics but what stook out to me the most was his story about the "Festival Gurus". Haha, sounds ridiculous right? Right.

He said that there are certain people who have seniority in running festivals because they have been doing it for so many years and he said they take music festivals incredibly serious and they hate, absolutely HATE when it rains and people make mud slides. Seriously guys, stop doing that because the festival gurus will come get you. Moving on!

Anyways, he said that whenever big acts come to Houston, they bring their own stage managers so the festival gurus become errand runners which means they get to do all of the absurd things celebrities want. Here are a few they said.

Lil Wayne ordered the gurus to go to KFC and pick up 4 buckets of a dozen chicken legs. Unfortunately, KFC doesn't make this order so they had to call ahead of time and specially order it. Ha!

When Drake came to Houston, the gurus were ordered to go to the University of Houston and pick up a few sweaters (lolwut). When they came back and gave him every size and every type of sweater there was, Drake tipped them all $500. Weird!

When Jennifer Lopez came, she ordered the gurus to go into her dressing room and put M&M's in a dish. But wait! The gurus didn't get the specifics and J-Lo actually only wanted green M&M's. CALL LUCIFER, JESUS, MARY MAGDELUN, GOD AND AL ROKER BECAUSE JENNIFER LOPEZ DIDN'T GET HER GREEN M&M'S.... She literally wanted the gurus to be fired haha. So yeah, celebrities are EXACTLY what you think they are.

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Seth Meyers' Demolition of Trump

Seth Meyers, the head writer for Saturday Night Live, made an appearance at the White House Correspondence Dinner on the evening before Osama Bin Laden was captured and killed May 1st.

Pay attention to how hard Obama laughs when Seth makes a joke about Bin Laden... That sly son of a bitch

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Osama's Death According to College Students

Awwhhhh yeah, everyone sing it with me. WEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONNSSS MY FRRRANNNNNNNNN... So yeah, Osama Bin Laden is dead and everyone is excreting patriotism from their assholes and vomiting star spangled chunks all over each other, especially in D.C. Seriously, it's like the entire country is a drunken downtown metropolis on the night of the World Series.

I've noticed that when I go to school, people decide to just make up whatever facts they want about the topic of Osama being caught and killed. I understand the benign neglect that people decide to throw in the direction of this administration but is it really necessary to drag other issues into this?

"I heard he was shot in the nut sack," said a student beside me in class. I then barked at him and told him to stop talking to me.

"Obama is such a badass, did you know he was on the chopper that killed Osama?" asked a young, hipster girl beside me in another class.

"Oh man, I really like that Osama is dead but I just wish Obama wasn't taking all the credit for it. Everyone knows it was all Bush," said a Fraternity knuckle-dragger across the hall fro mme.

I understand the need of patriotism in a time like this and the absolute awesomeness that May 1st will now hold in history as the day both Hitler and Osama were killed, but seriously, why are people trying to politicize this event?

Sure, Obama didn't bust down the door, pull his shades off, shoot Bin Laden point-blank in the face then proceed to fuck First Lady Obama on his corpse. Nope! That didn't happen, but at least give credit where credit is due. Obama did actually have something to do with this lead.

I heard on the news that Osama was caught because of couriers? Hahahaha... It must suck to have to be a fucking messenger for OSAMA BIN LADEN. For some reason, I picture the couriers being unbelievably suspicious and mischievous at the same time, kind of like the Spy vs. Spy cartoon.

Oh yeah, these guys know what I'm talking about.

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Monday Movie Review: Insidious

Look guys, I'm reviewing a movie that is actually current and relevant! Yeah, I had enough money to actually go to the movies this weekend, HIP-HIP, HOORAY! HIP-HIP HOORAY! HIP-HIP... Moving on!

So, I saw Insidious this weekend and what a doozie this was. I hate it whenever I have to review movies that are actually GOOD because then it's hard to find things to make fun of, but fear not, there is always something to be made fun of.

So, basically this movie is a commemoration of Poltergeist and it does a really good job in giving credit where credit is due (duh) but also choosing a good route and scaring the shit out of the audience. A little boy (forgot his name; not important) hits his head one day and NEVER WAKES UP. Hahahahha, first I thought this was pretty lame but it just so turns out that he's a "traveler" which means that his soul leaves his body when he goes to sleep at night and he doesn't realize that he is in real danger in his dreams so he just goes ape shit.

Also, I need to take a minute to talk about Rose Byrne... Ah, Rose Byrne. I'm an enormous fan of the FX show Damages and I absolutely love when Rose Byrne gets movie roles (even though most of them are shitty) but she's actually decent in this one! Normally, she lets her beautiful eyes do all the acting for her and this isn't very different. Rose is so beautiful that she doesn't have to have that much talent but just have the ability to memorize lines and blink her pretty eyes. She's this generations' Nicole Kidman. Seriously guys, I'd like to see her in more horror movies. Call Hollywood!

So yeah, back to the kid in a coma. Rose Byrne keeps seeing some freaky shit like a little dead boy from the great depression that likes to tap dance in her living room to old show tunes. I know it doesn't sound creepy but Jesus Christ, this terrified me.

Other ghosts appear in the house and it just so happens that they are appearing because they all want a piece of the little boy. They want to LIVE AGAIN.
The family moves (they think it's the house LOL) and the father doesn't really believe what's going on... Then this happens.

I literally grabbed my pop corn and said NOPE. This scared the shit out of everybody hahaha, it was hilarious

So who does Rose Byrne call? That's right... Ghost Busters. I'm only kind of joking. Rose calls this lady with a big nose because she's an expert on like everything and blah blah blah she's basically the midget lady from Poltergeist.

So yeah, the old lady with the big nose says that her child is stuck in "The Further". Hahaha, I literally busted out laughing when she said this. "The Further" is both unscary and just a lazy, grammaticaly incorrect name for a place.

The Further, Population: THIS GUY

Aaaahhhhhh! I take it back, The Further is a scary place! So yeah, the father turns out to be a "traveler" too! Oh man, so the dad goes nappy time and saves his kid and all is well. I won't ruin the ending for you guys but yeah, I suggest you all see this movie. Made me poo my panties.

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