My Friend's TV is an Asshole

I got high last night at my friend's Bar-B-Q and as the night dwindled away and the stars collapsed into the sky, we decided to watch TV. Here's the thing about my friend... he's still living in the 90s. He still has a house phone WITH a cord attached to the wall, still has AC units instead of central air, still has an antenna for his TV and above...

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The Economic Relationship Between America and China Summarized by This Little Girl

Yup, this is pretty much it... ...

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Weird Extreme Home Makeover Requests

So, if for some reason I lose all of my legs, get my hair singed off and receive a ridiculous amount of burns all over my face, blinding me and turning me retarded, then I'll be the luckiest guy on Earth! You know why? Because I just got a free EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHH..... FREE SINKS GODDAMNIT. Haha, I was thinking about how I would...

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How The Earth Will End on Saturday

As many of you all know, the world is ending on Saturday and boy it couldn't have come at a better time! Reality television has gone rampant, plague and famine is running as prevolent as ever and gas prices literally cost me my ass. I go to the cashier and I bend over, letting him pound me in return of the warm liquid (speaking of the gas of course). So...

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Every Second Counts

My mind wanders while I drive to school in the morning in a haze of slight swerves and unexpected nods so often that it seems like a daily ritual. This morning I woke up a few minutes early (two) in order to be more alert while driving so I could actually enjoy the rest of my life and not have to feel the sacrificial torment of running over a child as I sit in my jail cell. As I drove to school, I saw a girl walking two pit bulls and she couldn't have looked more bored. She was almost sleep walking as the two muscular dogs guided her lifeless...

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Monday Movie Review - Bridesmaids

I saw a current movie, yay! So I saw Bridesmaids this weekend and the first thing I want to point out is if you enjoy cackling 'girlfriends' behind you, go see this movie! Seriously, it was the most absolutely annoying audience ever. It's like everyone got the women of The View and multiplied them by fifty so they could fill a theater so with that...

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Famous Movie Quotes - Killer Robot Edition

Here, I will conduct a test in the robotic form. All movie quotes must be translated into a murderous robot language immediately and sufficiently. 3, 2, 1... BEGIN TRANSLATOR WRONG TRANSLATOR... GOOD ENOUGH. Original: "Frankly My Dear, I don't give a damn." (Gone With The Wind - 1939) Robo-Translator: "Frankly My Unit, I cannot distribute a damn." Original:...

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Top 5 Ridiculous Products on Amazon

I do alot of my shopping on Amazon because I'm cheap and willing to wait three business days rather than spend that extra ten cents I know I will eventually spend on a burrito at Taco Bell over an accumulated amount of time. 89 cents, here I come! I've been noticing lately that Amazon has everything... Literally everything you could think of and they...

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Monday Movie Review: Rabbit Hole

So I saw another movie... It was purely 'meh'. Rabbit Hole explores the complicated relationship between a wife (Nicole Kidman) and a husband (Aaron Eckhart) whose child tragically died... LOL Not only did their child die, but he dies in the most cliche way possible. "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET THE GATE OPEN" Hahahaha, funniest quote in a dogs age....

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Music Festival Gurus

So, Summer is coming up and you know what that means! Festival Season! The annual gathering of the filthy, pig-smelling, acid-dropping, public-sex-having, absolutely-too-cool hipsters is eminent and I totally love every second of it. I live in Houston and so far the biggest festival we have is Summerfest and this is the third year our city has had...

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Seth Meyers' Demolition of Trump

Seth Meyers, the head writer for Saturday Night Live, made an appearance at the White House Correspondence Dinner on the evening before Osama Bin Laden was captured and killed May 1st. Pay attention to how hard Obama laughs when Seth makes a joke about Bin Laden... That sly son of a bitch ...

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Osama's Death According to College Students

Awwhhhh yeah, everyone sing it with me. WEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONNSSS MY FRRRANNNNNNNNN... So yeah, Osama Bin Laden is dead and everyone is excreting patriotism from their assholes and vomiting star spangled chunks all over each other, especially in D.C. Seriously, it's like the entire country is a drunken downtown metropolis on the night of the World...

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Monday Movie Review: Insidious

Look guys, I'm reviewing a movie that is actually current and relevant! Yeah, I had enough money to actually go to the movies this weekend, HIP-HIP, HOORAY! HIP-HIP HOORAY! HIP-HIP... Moving on! So, I saw Insidious this weekend and what a doozie this was. I hate it whenever I have to review movies that are actually GOOD because then it's hard to...

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