For the first time in my life, I walked into a Babies "R" Us and boy what an experience that was. First off, what the hell does the phrase '"R" us' mean anyway? I'm guessing that it's implying that there's always going to be a little piece of being a baby inside of all of us. Uhh... if there is a grown man walking down the street with a binky in his mouth and poop dripping down his pants, he needs to stop now! Moving on!
As I entered the store I noticed most of the customers were baggy-eyed mothers (mostly teenage girls with bloated bellies) and a few more unkempt "women" waltzing around looking for diapers or anything else they could use to wipe baby poo with. Seriously I feel really bad for these women because I'm pretty sure 75% of their lives consist of poo. Wake up, poo, eat, poo, poo, shower, poo, feed baby, poo, feed baby, poo, poo, sleep, repeat. Yup, that's a mother's usual day with a baby.
Anyway, as I continued to walk through the store that coincidentally smelled like poo, I noticed that a lot of the babies had really nice clothes on and also had really trendy haircuts. Then I looked around and realized I was surrounded. Surrounded by hipster babies. They were all looking at me with their over-sized glasses and ironic senses of self-worth. If these babies could talk, they would only talk about obscure bands that you probably haven't heard of then scoff at your face and brag about being atheist.
I don't get it! I understand that parents want their babies to look nice and pretty but why would you purposefully portray your baby as a pretentious and cynical asshole. Look, I like Neutral Milk Hotel as much as the next Bisexual Agnostic but I don't run around town wearing trendy t-shirts, asking people whether they've seen the latest Diablo Cody flick.
Hahaha, these babies are bound to grow up hating anything that isn't 'cool' and treating everyone who listens to mainstream music like little sacks of dog shit. Hipster babies are our future. The "R" in Babies "R" us will never have a fully established definition because you've probably never heard of it.
