Music Festival Gurus

So, Summer is coming up and you know what that means! Festival Season! The annual gathering of the filthy, pig-smelling, acid-dropping, public-sex-having, absolutely-too-cool hipsters is eminent and I totally love every second of it. I live in Houston and so far the biggest festival we have is Summerfest and this is the third year our city has had it.

My brother volunteered to help set up stage and he had quite a few stories to tell me. He said that at orientation he met a lot of interesting people and a lot of lunatics but what stook out to me the most was his story about the "Festival Gurus". Haha, sounds ridiculous right? Right.

He said that there are certain people who have seniority in running festivals because they have been doing it for so many years and he said they take music festivals incredibly serious and they hate, absolutely HATE when it rains and people make mud slides. Seriously guys, stop doing that because the festival gurus will come get you. Moving on!

Anyways, he said that whenever big acts come to Houston, they bring their own stage managers so the festival gurus become errand runners which means they get to do all of the absurd things celebrities want. Here are a few they said.

Lil Wayne ordered the gurus to go to KFC and pick up 4 buckets of a dozen chicken legs. Unfortunately, KFC doesn't make this order so they had to call ahead of time and specially order it. Ha!

When Drake came to Houston, the gurus were ordered to go to the University of Houston and pick up a few sweaters (lolwut). When they came back and gave him every size and every type of sweater there was, Drake tipped them all $500. Weird!

When Jennifer Lopez came, she ordered the gurus to go into her dressing room and put M&M's in a dish. But wait! The gurus didn't get the specifics and J-Lo actually only wanted green M&M's. CALL LUCIFER, JESUS, MARY MAGDELUN, GOD AND AL ROKER BECAUSE JENNIFER LOPEZ DIDN'T GET HER GREEN M&M'S.... She literally wanted the gurus to be fired haha. So yeah, celebrities are EXACTLY what you think they are.

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Rejected Country Songs

Country songs are all sweet and peaceful and about butterflies floating out of guitar strums but back in the 60s when old country grew rampant with popularity in the deep south, people loved writing songs about oppression! Fuck yeah! So here's a list of some rejected country songs that just couldn't meet with today's politically appropriate standards.

- lovin on my sisters muffin

A beautiful ballad about the incestual taboo occurring in a double wide mobile home. This ones a tear jerker!

- singin with my Klan hat on backwards

This one puts a hilarious spin on the typical white supremacy group known as the klu klux Klan. This song will have you lynching with laughter.

- dosey doe round the burning books

This song is just pretty much about burning anything cultural and outside of the Christian religion.

- correct me if im wrong but ma'am you're water just broke

This was originally picked up as the theme song for I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Ridiculous, yes but a haunting duet with dolly Parton and Stevie wonder... Uh awesome!

Note: these are all fictional songs so don't google any of them.

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Advertised Songs, Vol. 1

As you know, advertisers are always looking for new and creative ways to shove product placement down our throats in every day lives. It's on the internet, on our phones, in our mail boxes and someday they will be in OUR BRAINS... Jk (I hope).

So here's a few of some classic songs I thought would be a pretty good selection for a bit of advertisement tweaking.

Original: Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me

Advertised: Def Leppard - Pour Some Splenda On Me


Def Leppard is kind of old and tired and who else is old and tired? That's right... old people. And what do old people love? That's right... splenda. Check and mate.

Original: The Beatles' Masterpiece album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Advertised: Dr. Pepper's Lonely Hartz Chicken Club Band

Bam! Advertised! Take the greatest album of all time and throw some Dr. Pepper and Hartz chicken into the mix and what do you get? The same album but just alot more gas...

Original: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Advertised: Radiohead - Verizon Android


Wow! Everyone knows the 90s classic was about the phone that would come out more than a decade later. DROID out!

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Have A Good Friday!

She's so damn edgy!

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The Bottom 5 Billboard Songs: Reviewed

So what does it take to have a hit song but to have the worst performing hit song? Let's see! I should probably mention beforehand that I have never heard one of these songs and am blindly diving into the trenches of popular music head first, hoping that I am able to come up for a breath without suffocating in the over-produced nonsense. So I suggest you watch the video first before reading my reviews. The bottom 5 billboard songs off the Billboard 100 go as follows:


96. From A Table Away - Sunny Sweeney



Awh! Poor blonde lady with a cross stitched to her jacket got cheated on! But wait... Oh, I guess she's singing about a girl getting cheated on since she's not in the video. But this girl is going to what looks like a birthday party and sees her "boyfriend" with his wife.. ohhhhh shiiiiii- and he never notices her? Also I think it's hilarious how she's clearly disinterested in her friend's birthday celebration and no one gives a shit. Hahahaha.

97. Fuck Him He's A DJ - Ke$ha (lol)



Well folks, it doesn't get classier than this. I'm a young girl and I don't know what to do as a naive and impressionable absorber of the outside world... Blonde girl on tv, what should I do?

...Go fuck people to become liked. Yay! (barf)

98. Shake Me Down - Cage The Elephant



Refreshing! I've actually listened to some cage the elephant in the past and I believe this is on the bottom not because it's a rejected popular song but because it's a good alternative song that barely made it on the list.

99. Homeboy - Eric Church



"Now here you are runnin these dirty ol streets, tattoo on your neck, fake gold on your teeth." Okay, first of all WHAT? What kind of country hick is running the streets of alabama with golden teeth? I didn't know flavor flav had such affluence in the meth-fueled trailer parks of South Carolina.


100. Boyfriend - Big Time Rush



OH BOY HERE WE GO... Big Time Rush is another evil nickelodeon manufactured zombie and also Snoop Dogg... What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with all of old hip hop? I'm kind of glad Biggie is dead because his big ass is probably rolling in his grave right now but if he were alive he would probably be cashing out on the exact same things you and ice cube and other assholes who refuse to use their original creative outlet but instead show their skills to family friendly tv shows are.

FUCK BITCHES GET MONEY AND oh... watch hannah montana.

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