Come gather, young etiquette and manners enthusiasts and bring your cups of tea along with you! Because today, I'm going to give you all a lesson in restroom etiquette. What? Huh? Yeah, that's right, I said restroom bitch tits. I'm not here to tell you tuck in your napkin or say 'please' and 'thank you'. All I ask is you take away a sense of not being a fucking weirdo in one of the most solace places.
So, tip numero uno: Don't talk on your cell phone while you're in a stall
This rule also goes for talking on your blue tooth next to someone by the urinal. (sidenote: blue tooths are not cool and have never been cool.) These types of events can get very confusing, and when you're in the stall - applying to Brown University - then think twice before chit-chatting on the phone because EVERYONE CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU.
Tip numero dos: Please don't try to strike a conversation while peeing next to someone
It's awkward enough that we both have our penises out and we're excreting fluids inches away from each other, so please don't make it even more awkward by asking me about the weather while I can still hear the splish splashing of your pee. Maybe I'm a prude and pee skeeves me out, but this is a rule everyone should just take. JUST TAKE IT!
Tip number tres: Whenever you're peeing, stop replicating an orgasm
Seriously, I can't count how many times I've been peeing beside someone then OUT OF NOWHERE, they just start moaning like they're Jenna Jameson or something. You're not a porn star so stop making me feel uncomfortable. Hahaha, the release of urine is not THAT great of a feeling guys, so calm down and stop grasping the wall.
