Why I love COPS

 Uhh... I should probably clarify. I don't necissarily LOVE cops, I love COPS the television show although I'm sure cops are really nice guys. Their mothers are lovely. Cops is probably the only reason I don't kill myself from boredom on weekday afternoons. Also, that right there should tell you the type of audience COPS is trying to entertain. People who are home at the middle of the day... let's see, that would be old people, unemployed drop outs, unemployed in general and of course babies! The advertising for the show says it all, it's a complete montage of Pampers, Depends and Rehab Facility commercials. Moving on!

Every person on this show has broken the law. Wanna know how I know? Here's a hint, if they didn't do anything illegal, then they wouldn't be on television. Who wants to see someone get pulled over then let off with a warning? No one. So when a cop pulls someone over on COPS the television show, don't ever have a shadow of a doubt that someone in that car is getting arrested. That's what makes the show so fun and that's when I play GUESS THAT CRIME.

GUESS THAT CRIME is a game I play with no one because nobody else I know understands the true comedy of COPS. I don't understand why this show isn't held in such high critical regards like that of Seinfeld or Arrested Development. When they announce the Emmys they should always announce COPS in the Outstanding Comedy Series category and Jimbo the toothless junkie as Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

Basically I try to guess what the person has done based on how nervous they are and how they react to certain questions. There is an entire ARRAY of factors that play into the game as well including race, neighborhood, assholery of the cop, whether not the perp has teeth, crossdressing and my FAVORITE: the fucking liars. If they look away after a question or act completely SURPRISED when a cop finds weed in their pocket, they are the lucky winner of the Daily Fucking Liar points. Congrats, you get a bonus question! It's an infinite process that goes on in my head and no one ever wins.

But my favorite episodes, absolute FUCKING FAVORITE all time episodes are the ones that are always in Las Vegas. Dear God, you know why I love Las Vegas episodes of COPS? Because shit like this happens.

Yup! Joy in my life. These criminals are a different brand of criminals, fuck they're a different species, just because they make a career out of crime and decide to not learn about anything else at all ever. Haha. Las Vegas criminals are like the caviar of the crime world. It's not not that they're classy, it's that they are so GREAT and you know what every Vegas criminal has? A black girl in the passenger seat with cocaine in her purse. I swear Vegas criminals get more black girls wet than Hurricane Katrina.

And good night! Also, some of you may notice I've changed my blog a bit. Be sure to like this on Facebook on the top right of the home page so all your other friends can get depressed.

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What I Learned in Las Vegas

Hi guys!

Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been on vacation. (yes, I know that blogging is not a real job and it doesn't deserve a vacation but I'm tired and writing all these stories is actually semi-exhausting. Hey, at least I'm not a cole miner.) I went to Las Vegas, Nevada. The city of lost and tormented souls and oh boy did I learn a lot about the human species. Here's a list of things that I've learned just by walking down the street.

1. Being Homeless in Las Vegas is a Competition

Yup! It's true! Being homeless in Vegas is like being a desperate actor in line for a B-Rated movie audition. It seems like every three feet, there's a new and hopeless scoundrel showing off their minor talent while, all at the same time, there are another group of homeless baritones singing "Blue Moon" in beautiful harmony. But, I'd have to say the homeless folks that show the most courage and the most beauty are the absolute NUT CASES. For example, I saw a woman sitting down on the side of the sidewalk with snakes... SNAKES wrapped around her body and told me to come join her. I was curious enough and sat beside her.

Oh yeah, and she had a beard.


2. There Are Too Many Outlets for Lunatics

Let me explain what this means. In Las Vegas, every square inch is exposure, lights, horror and hilarity all strung together in a superimposed magnifying glass of society. There are a million outdoor karaoke bars, many people with microphones and small boom boxes just for the fuck of it, and last but not least (oh the horror) a small camera inside of a hotel where you only have to pay $7 to be projected on a massive screen outside. SEVEN DOLLARS. Any lunatic can gather up $7 and twiddle their fingers, knowing in the back of their head that the demon squirrels will have their voice heard finally! This isn't a very good thing but it certainly leads to many random quotes being yelled from the strip by people who should be admitted into Belleview.

3. Drunks are Drunks

Drunks aren't angry. Drunks aren't funny. Drunks aren't clever. Drunks are drunks and it will always be that way. The only for sure fact about drunk people is that they are over sensitive to any comment made. For example, at 2 am when I was walking back to my hotel I saw a woman crying in a wedding dress in the elevator crouched down on the floor. I entered the elevator of course, curious as to what she was crying about and why the hell she was in a wedding dress. A man was standing beside her telling her to shut up as he smoked a cigarette, letting the ashes fall on her. She looked at an ash stain, gasped and yelled "WHAT THE FUCK JOHNNY!" Then the man threw his cigarette on the ground, grabbed her by the neck and said "You shut your fucking mouth... you're a school teacher." I held in my laughter for as long as I could then the doors opened (not to my floor) and I ran outside laughing hysterically. God bless that couple.

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