Top 5 Ridiculous Products on Amazon

I do alot of my shopping on Amazon because I'm cheap and willing to wait three business days rather than spend that extra ten cents I know I will eventually spend on a burrito at Taco Bell over an accumulated amount of time. 89 cents, here I come!

I've been noticing lately that Amazon has everything... Literally everything you could think of and they even have stuff that you WOULDN'T think of. Here is a list of products I found both unappealing and pretty funny.

Number 5. Dancing Ferret Ornaments

No, it's not an animated ornament and it doesn't make any special noises when you walk by it. It's just a 12 dollar plastic ornament with a picture of a ferret "dancing".



4. Gangly Giraffe Drinks from a Waterhole with Stretched Side Bent Legs Stretched Canvas Poster Print by Jason Edwards

Haha, I swear I'm not making this one up. That's actually the complete title of the product, LOOK IT UP. It's also a modest 149 dollars.



3. Matt & Dana Pickled Pigs Feet - 1/2 Gallon

If you're buying food on Amazon, then you might as well declare that you've gone as far in life as you're willing to go. If you're ordering pig's feet on Amazon... Well, then I just don't know what to tell you.



2. The Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi Handbook - Everything you need to know about Snooki [Kindle Edition]

I guess I can understand the certain uprising in absolute morons "writing" books, novels, memoirs and other short stories I could give two shits about but why... WHY would someone spend any of their time writing ABOUT someone famous... And it's not even a famous person, it's someone infamous for dry humping any swollen, orange object in eye's proximity. America, I salute you.

1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

Finally! A reliable tank company!

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Music Festival Gurus

So, Summer is coming up and you know what that means! Festival Season! The annual gathering of the filthy, pig-smelling, acid-dropping, public-sex-having, absolutely-too-cool hipsters is eminent and I totally love every second of it. I live in Houston and so far the biggest festival we have is Summerfest and this is the third year our city has had it.

My brother volunteered to help set up stage and he had quite a few stories to tell me. He said that at orientation he met a lot of interesting people and a lot of lunatics but what stook out to me the most was his story about the "Festival Gurus". Haha, sounds ridiculous right? Right.

He said that there are certain people who have seniority in running festivals because they have been doing it for so many years and he said they take music festivals incredibly serious and they hate, absolutely HATE when it rains and people make mud slides. Seriously guys, stop doing that because the festival gurus will come get you. Moving on!

Anyways, he said that whenever big acts come to Houston, they bring their own stage managers so the festival gurus become errand runners which means they get to do all of the absurd things celebrities want. Here are a few they said.

Lil Wayne ordered the gurus to go to KFC and pick up 4 buckets of a dozen chicken legs. Unfortunately, KFC doesn't make this order so they had to call ahead of time and specially order it. Ha!

When Drake came to Houston, the gurus were ordered to go to the University of Houston and pick up a few sweaters (lolwut). When they came back and gave him every size and every type of sweater there was, Drake tipped them all $500. Weird!

When Jennifer Lopez came, she ordered the gurus to go into her dressing room and put M&M's in a dish. But wait! The gurus didn't get the specifics and J-Lo actually only wanted green M&M's. CALL LUCIFER, JESUS, MARY MAGDELUN, GOD AND AL ROKER BECAUSE JENNIFER LOPEZ DIDN'T GET HER GREEN M&M'S.... She literally wanted the gurus to be fired haha. So yeah, celebrities are EXACTLY what you think they are.

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What Not To Do At Church On Easter

So Easter Sunday is approaching, the day where Jesus rose from the dead and feasted upon the brains of the innocent and a lot of people are doing their bi-yearly routine of attending church. I'm not calling these people hypocrites or anything, but they're probably the same kind of people that only visit their parents in retirement homes once a year. Moving on!

More average than not, a lot more people attend church on Easter than they would regularly besides Christmas Eve sermon. So, here's an essential guide on what NOT to do when you go to church on the 24th, for those of you who are not used to the church customs (lol, I am not).

- Do not attend church dressed as the Easter bunny. I know you may think this is appropriate attire for the day and all, but I assure you that it is in fact frowned upon. Especially when you try to fit into the confessional booth with those big flappy ears in the way.

- Do not hide easter eggs in the pews. I repeat, do NOT hide easter eggs in the pews for the sole fact that people will just sit on them and make a big ol' hissy fit about how their big fat, christian asses broke a plastic egg.

- When it's time to approach the preist to "eat the body of christ" and "drink the blood of christ" (lolwut), do not hop toward him like a bunny and then nibble on the piece of bread like a bunny rabbit. I assure you, they will get pissed.

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