My 9th Grade "Love Letter"

When I was in 9th grade I had a weird sense of humor. Scratch that... I had a fucking bizarre sense of humor which included a lot of sexually explicit, religious-themed jokes. Honestly when I look back at the shit I said, I think it's pretty goddamn hilarious. But today a friend of mine who I went to High School with forwarded me a picture of a joke love letter I wrote to her and as I read it, my jaw was on the floor. Why the hell did I come up with this?

"Dearest Karla,

My love for you is overwhelming. Besides squirrels, you're the only thing I dream about at night. Listen to me... I sound crazy over here! If I could somehow fit you into a burrito and microwave you then devour you, I so would. I'd love to have dinner with you. And you as the main course! yummm :P

I love your nasal voice and your wannabe ghetto style and that ASS!!! OH GOD. You just looked at my paper and said "I saw God." I don't know if you were talking about the paper or if you literally saw God. If so, how big is his cock? I heard it was huge!! I wish I could have a threesome with you, me and the virgin mary. Well, she won't be a virgin when we're done with her.

XOXO,

Leo"

Forgive me God... hahahahaha. Oh and I forgot to mention I wrote the letter on the back of a picture of a skull.

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Night of the Living Cockroaches

Roaches. Little pieces of shit with legs and antennas.

Last night I set my head down to go to sleep, trying to avoid the rumbling train that always seems to wake me up in the middle of the night and there in front of my fucking face was one of the worst psychotic experiments God ever put on this Earth. I seriously think God got drunk one night with his other 'god' buddies (Buddha, Zeus, etc...) and thought it would be funny to put these sneaky vermin EVERYWHERE.

Buddha: Hey God, let's think up some crazy, fucked up shit.

God: Ahhhh, I don't know man hahahaha. Last time I did that with you, we created George Bush.

Buddha: Oh, come on! Let's do it for old time's sake.

Zeus: Yeah, don't be such a pussy dude.

God: Oh, okay.

Yup, that's exactly how it happened and don't even try to refute me.

Roaches have always been a problem in my house since I was younger and I always thought that there was a mountain of roach people, then one day a bunch of real estate agents came and raped/pillaged all of the roach people and built a bunch of pretty houses on top of the mountain. Now their unborn children and spirits haunt my house.

These aren't just regular roaches either! They're like super-efficient, mutated, evolutionized roaches with night vision and SWAT ropes. The other day I saw one in my kitchen and he was lingering on the floor, in the corner as I tried to sneak up behind him. Then he turned around because apparently I wasn't being cat-like enough. I steered my eyes over beside the little fucker and saw a shoe (roach's worst enemy). I looked at the shoe, then - I SWEAR TO GOD - the roach looked at the shoe too! Then he looked back at me with fortitude and fucking ran away. He knew what I was going to do! Curse you drunk God.

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