Well, I went to my little cousin's birthday party this weekend and unfortunately his parents thought it would be fun to have it at Chuck E. Cheese. I guess it's understandable why a parent would find this place to be an ideal place to celebrate your child's birthday but seriously you guys... It's not.
First off, I have to ask the question as to why Chuck E. Cheese apparently has no limitations for how many fucking people they can let in their doors. Because as soon as I walked in, there was a roar of crying, laughter, screaming and hordes of people just smushing* against each other wall to wall. Seriously, how hard is it to just say "uhh... there's too many fucking kids in here." Because that's exactly what I said when I opened the door.
Chuck E. Cheese is a seriously weird place. Seriously if you think about it, it's fucking bizarre. Like if aliens were looking at our society from their space ship and they saw everything that we were doing - Chuck E. Cheese would be the most confusing event going on to them. Why are there offsprings running to those machines with golden coins and screaming? Why is there a robotic rodent shaped like a man singing to the children? Why are they enjoying this?
Anyways, as the night progressed there were several old televisions playing stock footage that was OBVIOUSLY filmed in the nineties and hasn't been updated. The videos were of Chuck E. and his 'crew' covering several famous songs like Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran So Far Away". THAT was funny...
Pizzas were eaten, burps were given and children were forgotten as the night progressed and the barefoot Appalachian-like parental neglect seemed more and more apparent. A little girl wearing nothing but a diaper and a small, flimsy dress ran by me and I tried to avoid touching her before an angry southern mother approached me and called me a pervert. The little girl started flailing her arms about like a maniac and without hesitation, punched me right in the balls.
Then we got to the really, really disturbing part of the night which was the part where the big rat man sang to children as the employees clapped their hands and tried to pep up the un-enthused crowd. An employee got up on her seat and said "WHEN I SAY HAPPY, YOU SAY BIRTHDAY.... HAPPY!" No one said a WORD and I literally laughed at her face. Then my little cousin started crying and I called it a night. The slogan should be changed from "Where a kid can be a kid" to "Where a parent can give two shits".
* yeah that's right... I said 'smush' and didn't intend it to be a Jersey Shore reference - SUE ME SNOOKI, YOU FAT, FUGLY PIG
