Midget Redemption

I feel really bad for midgets. I hate making jokes about midgets because I always feel like shit afterward just because I know they are the but of everyone's joke and they really get the short end of the stick. Not cool. Whenever I see little people on television or in films, I always notice (no pun intended) that they get really small roles and...

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Movie Cliches Have Ruined My Life

There are certain things that I can't do and things that I can't let other people do because I see these events unfold in movies and I'm always expecting it to have the same outcome. For example! Do not walk backwards into a street or I promise you I will shit my pantaloons. When someone walks backwards into a street, I fully expect a double-decker...

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Culture Shock

I guess this is more of a follow up blog on something that I wrote about last week, but it's still bothering me how different this generation is compared to previous ones and I think it's because we've been exposed to more freaky shit. Do you remember what the WORST thing you ever saw was before the internet came around? Probably weird poop or a dead...

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Why I love COPS

 Uhh... I should probably clarify. I don't necissarily LOVE cops, I love COPS the television show although I'm sure cops are really nice guys. Their mothers are lovely. Cops is probably the only reason I don't kill myself from boredom on weekday afternoons. Also, that right there should tell you the type of audience COPS is trying to entertain....

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Monday Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

If there is any animal on this planet that could gain super intelligent abilities and sadistic thoughts, which animal would you think would be the CREEPIEST? Yeah, I also thought a planet run by ostriches would be fucking disturbing but apparently these Hollywood Big-Wigs disagree with me. I went out and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and the...

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Sign Spinners

Lately I've been noticing an influx of sign spinners which is basically a mediocre, hourly job that can be found on any city's Craigslist classifieds. The job entails a person of no talent to take a large sign and guide people into a new business, new homes or anything that may be attractive to a gigantic arrow. A couple of weeks ago, I was driving...

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Indie Movies Suck

Sure some independent films are brilliant like Pulp Fiction, American History X, Leon, etc... But the 'good' films only take up about 5% of the independent film collection. The reason these films are so well known is because they were filtered through all of the other indie films which SUCK MASSIVE ASS. At one point did it become 'edgy' and 'cool'...

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Cynics: A Quick Overview at a Snobby Society

Cynical - adj. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic. We've gotten so bored as an American society that we've created a new emotion. Cynicism. Cynics can come in all shapes and sizes but tend to stick to a singular age group (Generation X) and they all tend to do the same thing which is scoff at any music that isn't cool,...

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Monday Movie Review: Catwoman

This is gonna be fun. You know why? Because Catwoman is so bad that it's good. It's almost as if the writers fully intended for their audience to laugh hysterically. Catwoman is just one big sad hour and forty minute long failure of cinema. Let's say the movie industry was a Mom and this movie was its child. Well, this child thought it was a good...

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Jersey Shore Roundup

I know what you're thinking... Why is this dumb ass talking about Jersey Shore. I'll tell you why! Watching Jersey Shore is the same type of interest as cars slowing down when a grisly car accident has just happened on the side of the road. You know you do it too so don't judge me. I guess I should start out talking about this atrocity that has earned...

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Generation Tech

My generation is commonly referred to as Generation X which honestly means nothing to me except for the fact that it makes all young people sound scary. I've grown to realize that I belong to the generation that was the last of our kind to experience what life was like WITHOUT internet. Now when I see little kids walking around it's as if they just...

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Funny Places to Stick My QR Code

Perhaps you've seen these around trendy coffee shops or just on the bottom of a magazine! What is it, you ask? It's a QR Code and it's the latest in lazy advertising so of course I jumped on board the QR Code train. Hop on kids! We're going for a ride! QR Codes are a small pixelated square that people can scan with their smart phones, and after...

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Harry Potter Binge

WELL, I officially lost my self respect this weekend. In a 72 hour period, I've managed to defile my own sense of worth and watch every single Harry Potter movie (excluding The Chamber of Secrets because I can't fucking find my brother's copy of that DVD anywhere in the house). Why did I watch all of them, you ask? Because I saw a clip of the newest...

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Tropical Storm Don

Grab your lanterns and your pitchforks because a storm is a-brewin' in the Gulf! Tropical Storm Don is the first storm of the hurricane season to penetrate the mouth of Texas with all its glory and you know what that means. Hilarious and ridiculous news reports. Hahaha, people are treating this thing like it's fucking Hurricane Katrina. If anything,...

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Hipster Babies

For the first time in my life, I walked into a Babies "R" Us and boy what an experience that was. First off, what the hell does the phrase '"R" us' mean anyway? I'm guessing that it's implying that there's always going to be a little piece of being a baby inside of all of us. Uhh... if there is a grown man walking down the street with a binky in...

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My Sexy Eye Doctor

Well, I went to the eye doctor yesterday and honestly I felt a little bit uncomfortable. Every time I go and see my optometrist, I always feel like he's coming onto me. Especially when he closes the door behind him and dims the lights. Sure, he has to dim them in order to get an effective reading of my retnas but why does he have to get so close...

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My 9th Grade "Love Letter"

When I was in 9th grade I had a weird sense of humor. Scratch that... I had a fucking bizarre sense of humor which included a lot of sexually explicit, religious-themed jokes. Honestly when I look back at the shit I said, I think it's pretty goddamn hilarious. But today a friend of mine who I went to High School with forwarded me a picture of a joke...

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Chuck E. Cheese: A Night in Hell

Well, I went to my little cousin's birthday party this weekend and unfortunately his parents thought it would be fun to have it at Chuck E. Cheese. I guess it's understandable why a parent would find this place to be an ideal place to celebrate your child's birthday but seriously you guys... It's not. First off, I have to ask the question as to...

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Timeline of Baby Jonathan in the Music Industry

First off, I should probably say that Baby Jonathan isn't a baby. He's five years old and can form complete sentences, show emotion and demand what pleases him and what doesn't please him in a pretty coherent way. But, for some reason my co-worker continues to refer her niece as 'Baby Jonathan' every time she has some funny story about him. "Why...

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Men's Restroom Etiquette Class

Come gather, young etiquette and manners enthusiasts and bring your cups of tea along with you! Because today, I'm going to give you all a lesson in restroom etiquette. What? Huh? Yeah, that's right, I said restroom bitch tits. I'm not here to tell you tuck in your napkin or say 'please' and 'thank you'. All I ask is you take away a sense of not...

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Night of the Living Cockroaches

Roaches. Little pieces of shit with legs and antennas. Last night I set my head down to go to sleep, trying to avoid the rumbling train that always seems to wake me up in the middle of the night and there in front of my fucking face was one of the worst psychotic experiments God ever put on this Earth. I seriously think God got drunk one night with...

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Things that exist for no reason

There are a lot of excess luxuries floating around in this world we call America and I think we take advantage of every single one of them. "Huh? What's this? A bottle of oil? I'm sure this goes into my car with NO outside influence!" WRONG... I think we should all take a brazen look at our society and ask - "Is this really necessary?" Cops on horses What...

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What I Learned in Las Vegas

Hi guys! Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been on vacation. (yes, I know that blogging is not a real job and it doesn't deserve a vacation but I'm tired and writing all these stories is actually semi-exhausting. Hey, at least I'm not a cole miner.) I went to Las Vegas, Nevada. The city of lost and tormented souls and oh boy did I learn a lot...

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Tuesday Movie Review: Super 8

I know I usually do movie reviews on Mondays but I was busy yesterday, so shut up. I went to the the-ah-tarr with a buddy of mine to go see Super 8. We're big, big, big fans of Lost so of course we got excited that there was a promising monster movie written by one of the most original thinkers, J.J. Abrams, in Hollywood. NOPE. This movie kind of...

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Kittens Kind of Changed My Life

Sometimes things happen in life for no particular reason and sometimes it just sucks. One of the inexplicably terrible aspects of being human and having our own ideas and thoughts is the idea of death itself. It's a scary thought isn't it? To simply cease to exist, and not only cease to exist, but to know that the world will continue to move about as you exit. Many people become so accustomed to living their own life through their own eyes, they forget that others are living a life as well. Everyone is the star of their own movie, living every...

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Respecting Elders

I know they're old. I know they've lived three times longer than I have. I know they have lived through some of the world's most momentous occurrences, tragedies and miracles like the falling of The Berlin Wall, the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the death of Anna Nicole Smith (yes, that is a momentous occasion to me). But seriously guys, why do we...

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Marijuana Awareness Class: An Open Letter to Courtney Love

About a year ago, I got arrested because I fell asleep in car completely stoned and wasted, and of course a cop pulled up behind us and we alll got sent to the slammer! LOCK EM UP BOYS, THEY'RE A MENACE TO SOCIETY. Anyway, I got me a fancy-schmancy lawyer and he got me out of hot water, but at the expense of taking a marijuana awareness class. First...

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Hotel Maids: Assholes in Aprons

No, this isn't a story about Arnold Schwarzenegger or that French dude who mouth raped a maid... This past weekend, my brother and I took a little trip to San Antonio, Texas for a concert and through some divine intervention, he was able to find a room at a 5-star hotel for a dirt cheap price. So, of course we pounced at the chance and booked it...

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My Friend's TV is an Asshole

I got high last night at my friend's Bar-B-Q and as the night dwindled away and the stars collapsed into the sky, we decided to watch TV. Here's the thing about my friend... he's still living in the 90s. He still has a house phone WITH a cord attached to the wall, still has AC units instead of central air, still has an antenna for his TV and above...

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The Economic Relationship Between America and China Summarized by This Little Girl

Yup, this is pretty much it... ...

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Weird Extreme Home Makeover Requests

So, if for some reason I lose all of my legs, get my hair singed off and receive a ridiculous amount of burns all over my face, blinding me and turning me retarded, then I'll be the luckiest guy on Earth! You know why? Because I just got a free EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHH..... FREE SINKS GODDAMNIT. Haha, I was thinking about how I would...

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How The Earth Will End on Saturday

As many of you all know, the world is ending on Saturday and boy it couldn't have come at a better time! Reality television has gone rampant, plague and famine is running as prevolent as ever and gas prices literally cost me my ass. I go to the cashier and I bend over, letting him pound me in return of the warm liquid (speaking of the gas of course). So...

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Every Second Counts

My mind wanders while I drive to school in the morning in a haze of slight swerves and unexpected nods so often that it seems like a daily ritual. This morning I woke up a few minutes early (two) in order to be more alert while driving so I could actually enjoy the rest of my life and not have to feel the sacrificial torment of running over a child as I sit in my jail cell. As I drove to school, I saw a girl walking two pit bulls and she couldn't have looked more bored. She was almost sleep walking as the two muscular dogs guided her lifeless...

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Monday Movie Review - Bridesmaids

I saw a current movie, yay! So I saw Bridesmaids this weekend and the first thing I want to point out is if you enjoy cackling 'girlfriends' behind you, go see this movie! Seriously, it was the most absolutely annoying audience ever. It's like everyone got the women of The View and multiplied them by fifty so they could fill a theater so with that...

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