Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday Movie Review: Avatar

Alright, I know this isn't the newest movie to come out but I'm broke and can't afford to go to the movies every damn weekend so deal with it. I saw this on HBO the other night for the first time and honestly can't seem to find the hype of it. So, let's get started.

First of all, why is this movie so fucking long? Avatar is so long that it should be a measurement of time.

Man 1: Hey, how long was that flight?

Man 2: Oh God, it was like 3 Avatar's long and there was a crying baby that cried for like 2 Avatar's, I wanted to shoot myself.

So yeah, you get the point. So Avatar is basically a sci-fi movie by the muppet James Cameron and all his infinite billions of dollars. The movie starts off with a guy in a wheel chair (haha) going into the military to replace his twin brother? Uhh... Okay, sure, let's just pretend like that's actually a thing. Yeah, I know I should keep an open mind especially with this kind of movie but twin plots drive me crazy. This is exactly why I hated Sister, Sister.

So yeah, basically the concept of the movie is a group of EVIL Americans come to this beautiful land called Pandora (the app?) and it's like ape shit awesome. Floating islands, nekked women and swinging dicks galore. Anyways, a group of scientists came along on the evil quest (science guyz are good guyz) and they have an "Avatar" program going. The program is basically a soul swapper that switches souls from the human to a gigantic, 8 foot tall smurf.

Another thing I thought was weird was that when the Avatar switch souls, they for some reason have the same voice? Okay, they completely change their physiology and species but for some reason ALL of them know english and sound exactly the same as they did when they were human.

Also Sigourney Weaver is the same height as her avatar. The woman is a fucking amazon or should I say GLAMAZON.

So yeah, the group of science nerds all go through the jungle and try to find "a diplomatic solution" to degutting their planet haha. Okay, so you know that old 90s commercial with the Native American man that cries because someone litters? The people of Pandora are like that TIMES A MILLION... Seriously, they are in love with every fucking ant on that planet and the evil Americans think it's completely logical for the fake Avatar to come in with their Harvard shirts and guns and think everything will be okay. Uhh, they don't even have bow and arrows!

So some crazy shit happens with the Kirstie Alley beasts of the jungle and the Jake (fake avatar) falls in love with Nala (I think that's her name? She's a real Avatar). But it is forbidden! A fake-navi must not have hair sex with a true-navi! Hahahahaha, the balls on this movie.

Seriously, I understand the metaphor of this movie but I feel like James Cameron is shoving the message down my throat with all his pseudo-intellect, hippy bullshit. I get it, evil corporations are bad and poor 3rd world countries that have awesome culture are good. It doesn't have to be 3 goddamn hours.

And then this happens... Jake wrestles + makes a pterodactyl reach orgasm

Okay! And all of the Awards go to.... THIS ASSHOLE

7 clueless comments:

i didn't think avatar was that bad, but i wasn't even paying attention to the plot when i first saw it

hahaha that's one of the funniest Avatar reviews I've ever read. Great job!

I really liked Avatar in some ways. Graphics for example. But you know that picture that compares Avatar to Pocahontas? That was exactly what I thought when I watched it at the cinema. And it's one of those "can't be unseen" things =/

The best Pagan friendly, Earth Friendly movie in years.

hahahha i never noticed the giant stanford vest. waht a joke. i hate cameron

i liked the scenery but they story was dull. it wasnt that great!

Awesome blog style man! Also great post! Definitely supporting!

I never seen avatar... and after your review i think i never will do that :D

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